Horoscopes?

“It's like horoscopes, but I just make them up”

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Rebecca Mennecke

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

Horoscopes?
November 11, 2019
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Horoscopes?

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

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(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

If you’re anything like me, this 30-40 degree weather in the past two weeks has been absolutely killer. 

I left my winter coat and gloves back at home, so I don’t have anything to keep me warm. It has become almost a game, watching my hands turn pink and purple as my hands get colder and colder. 

Once I’m cold, it takes a long time to get me back to room temperature. I’m sure there are many people around Eau Claire who, like me, are struggling to stay toasty. In this week’s horoscopes, the stars told me the best way for you to stay warm in this chilly weather. 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

Your cold vibe for this week is a nice, warm blanket. In particular, I would recommend a weighted blanket. They’re great for helping with anxiety and insomnia, and this week you’re really going to want your full eight hours to feel ready to face the world. Make sure you do a little research before shopping so you get the perfect one for you! 

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

You’re constantly on the go, Scorpio, so you’re going to need something that keeps you warm when you’re outside doing all the things you do. I would recommend some hand warmers so you don’t get freezing cold while you’re running from place to place. Also, remember to take a break once in a while!

 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

You’re going to say you don’t need any gloves this week, but you will. You also like to think outside the box and reuse things, so I would recommend hitting up some local thrift stores and making some recycled sweater mittens. They’ll keep your hands warm while you get to have an outlet for your craftiness. 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

You’re not the type of person to complain about the cold, but this week is a great week to snuggle up next to a fireplace for a little bit of self-care. If you don’t have a fireplace, no worries! Turn on a fireplace YouTube video and turn your heating up just a little bit. It’s basically the same thing. 

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

Your feet are the one part of your body that always freeze. You’ve already invested in some nice fuzzy socks, but that doesn’t do anything. To help out, try making some homemade foot warmers

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

You’re normally not a hat person, but this week you’re definitely going to want one. Aim for one with a giant puffball on the top. Or, if you’re feeling crafty, buy some yarn and try knitting, crocheting or loom-knitting a hat yourself! 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You know what wintertime means for you, Aries: cracked, dry skin. This cold never treats your normally moisturized hands well. Invest in some nice lotion and a pair of fuzzy gloves. At night, put large globs of lotion on and then cover it up with a nice pair of aloe vera-infused fuzzy gloves. You’ll wake up with nice, moisturized skin. 

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

The thing you most need this week, Taurus, is a few new pairs of fuzzy socks. Choose some with cute animals or adorable prints so you feel extra when you wear them. 

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

The stars tell me that you need a nice, warm electric blanket, but you’re not going to listen to the stars, and you’ll freeze. If you don’t want to freeze, try an electric blanket with automatic shut-off capabilities

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You don’t need to warm up by the traditional methods, Cancer. Bake something this week, but leave the oven open once you shut it off so the air warms up your apartment. I would definitely recommend making apple crisp with some hand-picked apples. 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

Jeans really aren’t actually that thick, to be honest Leo. This week, your legs are going to feel like they are frozen solid. Try throwing on a pair of long johns under your jeans. They’ll keep your legs nice and warm, especially if you decide to start exercising outside. 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

You’ve been thinking about starting a new workout routine for a while now, Virgo. Now’s the time! Start up a new exercise routine to keep you warm when your apartment starts getting a little chilly. Just be sure to pick good, safe ones for the cold weather. 

 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]

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