Horoscopes?

“It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up”

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Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Sometimes life can be a little rough. 

Whether it’s overwhelming schoolwork or random problems popping up, sometimes you just need a hot second to feel bad for yourself in order to move on and accomplish great things. 

Here’s the perfect breakup song for you to listen to while dramatically looking out the window on a rainy day. But don’t forget to keep moving forward after you give yourself that self-care time. 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

Remember that it’s just a bad day — not a bad life. Don’t let your negative mindset overwhelm you. Try to think about three good things that happened during the day before you go to sleep and three ways to make today a good day every time you wake up.  

Song of the week: “Part of Me” by Katy Perry 

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

You might feel like people are out to get you this week. But they’re not. Trust me, it’s all in your head. 

Song of the week: “The Scientist” by Coldplay

 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

You’re going to get some disappointing news this week that will make you feel put-out. Don’t worry. Good things are going to come soon enough; you just have to be patient. 

Song of the week: “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

You’re going to have the kind of week that makes you want to cry nonstop. Don’t let that stop you from achieving your dreams. Believe in yourself, and give yourself the care you need to achieve those dreams. 

Song of the week: “Someone Like You” by Adele

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

A friend told you that you’re being dramatic about all your problems. Don’t believe them one single bit. You deserve to complain about the things that frustrate you. Find better friends.

Song of the week: “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

You had a really stressful week, Pisces. Between all of your commitments and responsibilities, you’re ready to drop out and be done with it. 

Song of the week: “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Forget this! You’re ready to say “bye bye” to all the work you did on that project that only got you a “C.” Keep chugging ahead. Next week, you’ll have better luck with your projects. 

Song of the week: “Brokenhearted” by Karmin

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

After getting sick and not being able to pay rent on time, this week seems like another failure. Chin up, Taurus! Those failures are actually a way to bring about future success. Just wait; you’ll see. 

Song of the week: “Let It Go” by James Bay

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Don’t feel guilty for taking time for some much-needed self-care. Someone once told me: If you want to fill someone else’s cup up, first you need to fill your own. 

Song of the week: “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Your significant other is secretly betraying you, Cancer. It might not be in the way you think. 

Soundtrack of the week: “One Last Song” by Sam Smith

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

Something that happened a long time ago keeps coming back to haunt you, Leo. Remember that healing isn’t a linear path. You’ll get through this, just in ways you can’t see yet. 

Song of the week: “Without Me” by Halsey

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Your ex is going to get together with someone else, and that’s going to seriously crush you, Virgo. Do something that makes you really happy. Next week, be prepared for someone new. 

Song of the week: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” by Taylor Swift

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]