‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

I don’t know about you, but that first full week of classes left me feeling like someone threw a brick at my face — only the brick rebounded off of my face and ricocheted off another wall and hit me again and again in the face. 

Here are some horoscopes revolving around our experience in the university as we’re heading full steam ahead into fall semester. Here’s to hoping next week goes better! 


Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Pick up a copy of some classic literature on your way home, Virgo. You’ll meet someone really cute after work who’s really into Shakespeare. You’ll thank me later. 


Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

Stop talking while the professor is talking, Libra. It’s disrespectful. Plus, that professor was thinking of offering you the opportunity to intern. Now they gave it to Steve, your boring classmate who isn’t as credentialed. Your loss. 


Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

The professor can see you on your phone scrolling through Pinterest, Scorpio. They’re wishing they could be looking at organization tips too. 


Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

You’re a hardworking person, and people are going to notice it this week. Be ready for a big promotion or someone to go out of their way to recognize your contributions. Or you’re doing all that hard work for nothing. It could go either way. 


Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

Holding grudges won’t get you anywhere in life, Capricorn. With your strong will, you can accomplish great things but only when you open your mind to new opportunities. 


Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

You’re a busy bee, Aquarius! You’ll want to join every single student organization on campus and then turn into some kind of organization-zombie because you don’t get sleep. Try not to get over-involved and make sure to take care of yourself! 


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

You have a rough week ahead, Pisces! By mid-week, you’ll be so stressed out you’ll want to pull all of your hair out and make some meatloaf at midnight. Try to take some time to destress by heading to a local pet shelter to snuggle up with some dogs and cats. Maybe adopt one. Or two. Or five. 


Aries (March 21 – April 20)

The stars tell me you’re running low on coffee, and you’ll need a lot more of it before Thursday. Stock up with some good tasting stuff, and start chugging it now so you can get the caffeine in your bloodstream. You’ll need it.


Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

You’ll get in a car accident on Friday with your kind of reckless driving. Slow down, buddy. Seriously, the cops will catch you. You will get a speeding ticket. You will not be able to afford your groceries for two weeks because of that ticket. 


Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

The stars are hard to read for Gemini. Maybe it’s just for one of your two personalities. Try to let your less dominant side win once or twice. Or you might have no future. It’s hard for me to tell. 


Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

That assignment you turned in last week probably didn’t go well for you. Make sure you buckle down and study hard this weekend. Or make another Tik Tok; that’s fine too. 


Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

We already know you’re a know-it-all, Leo. Set your standards nice and low. Stop coming to class with the entire book read and a twenty-page paper ready to go. You’re making the rest of us look bad. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]