The Tator

In a shocking turn of events, English Major forgets how to write.

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Tiana Kuchta

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The Political Rundown
September 16, 2019
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The Tator

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This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

While students prepared for fall semester at UW-Eau Claire, Marjory Cambell, a fourth-year English student, opened her computer to find she could no longer form words into coherent sentences. 

“I just couldn’t put anything into words,” Cambell said. “I mean, I could talk and think things, but every time I tried to actually write or type it, it just wouldn’t make any sense.”

Afraid for her final year of college, Cambell said she turned to a nearby textbook she had recently rented in hopes of at least still having her ability to read. However, tragedy hit as Cambell repeatedly scanned the pages to find she was unable to comprehend the text. 

“I was just so scared,” Cambell said. “I eventually turned to Twitter in hope of finding some bizarre virus was going around.”

Though there was no virus to be heard of, Cambell said she realized something as she scrolled through Twitter; She could understand it. It seemed her infirmity only applied to reading and writing of the academic variety. 

“I thought it was a joke,” Jamie Smith, a third-year biology student said. “She texted me that she couldn’t write, and I was just thinking how she had just written that, so she must have been kidding.” 

Cambell said it could easily be taken as a joke, but she was able to prove it was not a joke by having someone ask her a question and attempt to give a written answer. Though her answer initially appeared to be a full sentence, further inspection showed that the words did not make any sense in the order they appeared in. 

Cambell’s ailment was quick to spread on Twitter. A TikTok video appeared of her demonstrating her inability to write a coherent answer, and it quickly spread to other social media platforms with the caption “When school’s starting and I haven’t used my brain all summer.” 

Though the meme spread quicker than the actual story, the few who believed the truth were speaking from shared experience. A number of students came forward with similar experiences. The common theme among them all being that it was temporary. 

“When I heard from a friend that someone actually wasn’t able to read or write anything for school, I kind of laughed it off,” Jason Wently, a second-year art student, said. “But, then I remembered my freshman year when it was time to come back for second semester, I just couldn’t focus on anything. It just took a couple of days, though. Then I could focus enough to get my work done.”

Cambell said she has hope that she too will be able to read and write again soon. 

“I’m an English major, you know, reading and writing are supposed to be what I do best,” Cambell said. “I’m having some brain scans done next week to see if there’s something actually wrong or if it’s just in my head.”

Kuchta can be reached at [email protected]

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