Horoscopes?

'It's like horoscopes, but I just make them up'

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Madeline Fuerstenberg

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Horoscopes?

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

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(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my final “Horoscopes?” of the semester.

So, I just got through watching the most recent episode of “Game of Thrones.” I feel emotions. That’s all I can say, but, yeah — big emotions.

I fully intended on completing this final “Horoscopes?” for you guys in my classic format, but in honor of the intense feelings I am experiencing right now, I’ve decided to give these horoscopes a “Game of Thrones” theme because I can, and none of you can stop me.

Brace yourselves. Winter is coming.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The stars are telling me you will someday become a great swordsman (or swordswoman? Swordsperson, maybe?), Taurus. Unfortunately, this is essentially a useless skill today.

Despite the uselessness of your talents, the peasants of Eau Claire will flock to witness your outstanding abilities. But beware; with great prestige comes great adversaries.

Don’t let overconfidence be your downfall, Taurus. That’s how you lose a hand.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I’m looking into the flames, Gemini, but the Lord of Light shows me nothing.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Keep an eye on the skies, Cancer. The Dragon Queen is here, and she heard you don’t like blondes.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

The Long Night is coming, Leo. Prepare yourself by burning your friends alive so they can’t come back and join the undead army.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

You know that cute girl from class you’ve been eyeing this semester? Don’t ask her out, Virgo. You’re related.

 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

Good news, Libra. You’re the long-lost child of a king. The bad news? His wife will behead you if she ever finds you.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You are about to witness something truly special, Scorpio. Behold, as Chancellor James C. Schmit enters the flames, then comes out holding three mighty Blugold chicks.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You are about to meet the love of your life, Sagittarius. Unfortunately, he is an Unsullied soldier. The love will still be strong, but it will always feel like something is missing.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Hodor. Hodor, Hodor, Hodor. Hodor.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

The Three-Eyed Raven is watching, Aquarius. All the time. He sees everything. Just remember that the next time you think you’re alone and decide to do something weird.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You know nothing, Pisces.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Don’t forget to feed your dogs, Aries. It’s a simple thing, but it’s an action that may someday save your life.

 

That’s all, folks. I hope you have all enjoyed reading my 100-percent-accurate horoscopes just as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.

Am I worried that this has been the highlight of my journalism career? A little. But am I ultimately OK with that? Absolutely not. I’m a serious reporter, believe it or not.

Nonetheless, this has been fun. I hope to bring you all more visions of the future next semester. Until then, good luck with finals, and remember: you can’t escape the destiny I’ve written for you.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected]

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