‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

November 2, 2020

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

So I’m about to jump right into business here: Did you all catch last night’s episode of “Game of Thrones”? Wild, right? I may or may not have screamed at some point(s).

But that’s all I can say about it, because I ain’t no spoiler.

Aside from that fantastic cinematic highlight of my week, I’m really starting to feel the pressures of final exams creeping up on me.

Assignments are getting harder and more demanding. My former roommate (the one before the ex-convict) is coming to take back her couch, coffee table and all of her dishes in less than two weeks, so I’m about to spend the last two weeks of the semester with nothing but my bed, desk, clothes and toiletries.

“But how will you cook food?” you might ask. Well, I won’t. Because literally all of the dishes, pots and pans are hers. I will essentially be reduced to eating cereal from paper bowls for every meal. Real brain food.

But enough about my problems. You have your own issues to worry about.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Happy birthday, Taurus. I hope your week hasn’t been quite as soul-crushing as mine. A little soul-crushing, sure, but not quite on my level.

The stars are warning me that none of your final exams will go as you are expecting. I’m not talking grades. I’m talking random appearances from exotic animals in your classrooms. Why? Hard to say, but it’s happening.

I probably don’t know you, Taurus, but I like to think you’re a fan of danger. For extra credit points on your exam, impress your professor [AND] your classmates by catching and/or riding whatever animal decides to stop by.

Disclaimer: I refuse to be held responsible for your own thoughtless decisions, should you be injured by a rogue tiger (And the stars are telling me you definitely will be).

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The stars are showing me… a glimmer. A shimmer. Emitting from a body of water. I have good and bad news, Gemini. The stars have finally showed me your future, but they’re just telling me you’re about to fall into the Mighty Chippewa. Hope you’re a strong swimmer.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Guess what, Cancer. As I write this, I am sitting in mi clase de español. We’re watching a video about tomato fights. Start a food fight in the Davies Student Center, or experience nothing but bad luck for the rest of your life.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Utter chaos is about to break out in the Davies Student Center, Leo. Protect your fellow classmates by viciously tackling anyone you see with food in their hand. The Great Campus War is only just beginning.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

I’d avoid the Davies Student Center for the next week or so, Virgo. The stars are warning me of a dark presence manipulating all who enter. Bring a bag lunch if you really get that hungry on campus.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

You are about to receive a very important phone call, Libra. It will either fill you with relief, or break your heart in two. I will spare you the agony of waiting and just give you the news here: No, you are not the mother.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

There’s no such thing as too many naps, Scorpio. But It’s also important to attend all of your classes. Find a healthy balance by bringing a pillow and blanket to class and sleeping in the back of the room every day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

My friends and I spotted a beaver out in Putnam Park. We named him Barry. Barry is about to visit you in a dream tonight, Sagittarius. Do not fear him. Listen to him.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Pretty soon you will see someone in jeans and a gray hoodie. This is your mortal enemy. Destroy them, before they destroy you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Your bike has been stolen, Aquarius. It is currently locked onto a strangers front porch. Good luck finding it.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

There are flowers once again blooming on campus, Pisces. But you hate flowers. Destroy them.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you happen to see someone riding down the street on an electric scooter with a pirate flag mounted on the back, that’s my boyfriend. Feed his ego by taking a picture and post it with the hashtag #EauClairePirate.


Well, I’m finally out of my Spanish class. In case any of you were wondering, I was writing these during a class so I would have more time to nap afterwards.

I’m free until 2 p.m., so you sure can bet I’m about to take a four-hour nap. No regrets.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].