(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Hello, once again. I trust you all had a wonderful spring break. I sure didn’t.

Now that we’re back to the ol’ grind, I thought I’d shake things up a bit with this week’s horoscopes.

I’m sure most of you have seen those dumb “Signs as …” posts. Well I’m about to hit you with a whole bunch of those completely random and meaningless pairings based off of your signs

Brace yourself, and pay close attention; these will tell you a whole lot about yourself.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

As a food: Avocado (on toast, if you want).

Where you should live based on your sign: Your mom’s basement.

Theme song: “The Hokey Pokey.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Hannah Montana: The Movie.”

Spirit animal: Armadillo.

Career choice: Professional clown.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As a food: Kumquat.

Where you should live based on your sign: a cave.

Theme song: “Proud Mary.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Blood and Bone.”

Spirit animal: Aye-aye (look it up).

Career choice: Vacuum cleaner (as in, you’re destined to clean vacuums for a living).

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

As a food: A big ol’ juicy eggplant.

Where you should live based on your sign: Loch Ness (yes, in the water with the monster).

Theme song: “Rap God.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Hop”

Spirit animal: Dumbo Octopus (also look this up; it’s not as insulting as it sounds).

Career choice: Mortician.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

As a food: Flan.

Where you should live based on your sign: Deerfield, Wisconsin.

Theme song: “Mo Bamba.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Ace Ventura” (either one).

Spirit animal: Naked Mole Rat.

Career choice: Magician.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

As a food: Broccoli.

Where you should live based on your sign: A swamp.

Theme song: “What Makes You Beautiful.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “The Nun.”

Spirit animal: Blobfish.

Career choice: Rapper.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

As a food: Potato.

Where you should live based on your sign: Horan Hall.

Theme song: “Smelly Cat.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Trolls.”

Spirit animal: Axolotl.

Career choice: Professional rollerblader.

 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

As a food: Pickle.

Where you should live based on your sign: On a river raft, sailing along the mighty Chippewa.

Theme song: “The Duck Song.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Airplane!”

Spirit animal: Mexican Mole Lizard.

Career choice: Pirate.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

As a food: Hard-boiled egg.

Where you should live based on your sign: Siberia, Russia.

Theme song: “Sicko Mode.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “A Walk to Remember.”

Spirit animal: A literal ghost.

Career choice: President Donald Trump’s personal servant.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

As a food: Anything without gluten.

Where you should live based on your sign: A creepy attic.

Theme song: “Miserable at Best.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Babadook.”

Spirit animal: Shoebill (it’s a bird, duh).

Career choice: Endless suffering.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

As a food: Peeps.

Where you should live based on your sign: Antarctica.

Theme song: “The Climb.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Big Daddy.”

Spirit animal: Assassin Bug.

Career choice: Ninja.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

As a food: A banana, but just the peel.

Where you should live based on your sign: Somewhere in the rainforest.

Theme song: “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “The Heat.”

Spirit animal: Hickory Horned Devil (I bet you can’t guess what that one is).

Career choice: Professional butterfly catcher.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

As a food: Warm cheese.

Where you should live based on your sign: Canada.

Theme song: “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

The movie that best represents your sign: “Coraline.”

Spirit animal: Ferret.

Career choice: Homeless person.

 

I hope you all enjoyed my attempt to shake things up a bit. I was inspired by Cosmopolitan Snapchat story about where you should live based on your sign. Of course, those were nice places like London or Paris.

I always wonder who gets to decide those things. Probably someone much nicer than me.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].