The Tator

UW-Eau Claire’s smog: Don’t breathe in the fumes

More stories from Natalie Fleming

Ballin’ on a Budget
November 12, 2018
The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Vaping has polluted the air at UW-Eau Claire.

Officials said the nicotine in the atmosphere is so thick even the Air National Guard helicopters cannot evacuate students due to lack of sight. Medics from HSHS Sacred Heart Hospital said they are concerned over the threat of instant addiction. A four-mile radius has been cleared around the campus on all sides to prevent civilian contamination.

“The haze began last year,” Jack Gerd, a campus police officer, said. “Over the summer it cleared up nicely and I thought the problem was gone, but only three weeks into the fall semester and campus is shut down.”

Many students are starting to complain about headaches, dry throats, nausea and even diarrhea. Since no one is permitted to leave the buildings because of the toxic air, UW-Eau Claire has opened the doors to the underground tunnels. This way food and water can be distributed, along with an occasional load of laundry.

It is currently unknown when classes will resume or if students will ever be able to walk outside again. Professors have said they are eager to resume classes and are upset about missing time they could be assigning these young adults a productive course load.

“It’s a wild time,” Thomas Bernard, a first-year undeclared student, said. “I was just vaping for fun and I planned on stopping eventually. … Maybe in my late thirties.”

It turns out there are more students like Bernard who rationalize vaping, which is not permitted on campus. This is the cause of the tremendous amount of nicotine in the air, a slippery slope of brain damage and tooth decay for a little high.

Chancellor James C. Schmidt’s dog experienced an unfortunate turn of events. After bringing his 17-year-old greyhound Tawny to school before the shutdown, the animal inhaled too much of the smog. He was instantly addicted, Schmidt said, and is now going through withdrawal.  

“He went from a normal greyhound to an addicted greyhound,” Schmidt said with tears in his eyes and a razor in hand. “I had to shave part of his shoulder to put on a nicotine patch.”

If Schmidt doesn’t put on a new patch at least four times a day, his dog will begin panting rapidly with what is known as the animal form of smoker’s lung.

This situation will be amended soon, campus police said. In the meantime, the Air National Guard is taking donation fans from local businesses and homes to blow away the thick nicotine-rich smog.

“Any fan will help,” National Guard representative George Fly said. “Big or small, we’ll take anything.”

Fleming can be reached at [email protected].