Student doesn’t tell anyone she’s vegan, wins award

UW-Eau Claire Student earns world record after going record time without talking about veganism


This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

UW-Eau Claire student Lyma Bean made history yesterday after going a world-record 45 seconds without telling anyone she was vegan.

“It was definitely a challenge for me,” Bean said. “I met someone on campus and I just really felt the urge to tell them I was vegan, but I powered through and managed not to say anything at first. I think I’m setting an example for vegans everywhere.”

The previous record holder was Ima Veeghin, a student at the University of Portland, Oregon, who made it just under 32 seconds before she saw a man buying a hot dog and had to tell him about cruelty-free alternatives such as carrots and celery sticks.

Bean said she immediately told all her friends and family — and even strangers — about the award and, if they didn’t already know, her “life-changing” vegan transformation.

“I haven’t gone more than nine seconds without telling anyone about it since I’ve won this award,” Bean said. “Whoever tries to break the record next is in for quite the struggle. I mean, it’s just so refreshing to tell people about my vegan lifestyle and how much it’s done for me, you know?”

Cruella T. Free, Bean’s best friend, said she’s planning a festival as a celebration of her world record, featuring meatless food trucks, yoga and even information tents on how to acquire that “goal-worthy” vegan Instagram aesthetic.

She said she would also like Bean to give a speech about refraining from talking about their herbivorous diets to promote “the cause” of de-stereotyping veganism. Free said she thinks Bean’s record can bring awareness to veganism and aid in decreasing the negative stigma around it.

“People assume all we (vegans) do is talk about veganism,” Free said. “But Lyma just proved that isn’t necessarily true. Vegans can talk about other things and they can do it for long periods of time now, too. This record is only going to get beat again, and pretty soon vegans everywhere will be able to go several minutes without bringing it up.”

Bean said she agreed with Free about stigmatizing veganism, because she’s struggled with people “putting her in a box” since she decided to go vegan.

“People love to stereotype me,” Bean said. “Everyone says all I do is talk about veganism and being cruelty-free, but no one really wants to get to know me. This award showcases that I can do anything I set my mind to and that I finally proved the haters wrong.”

As for what to do with the medal, which is made out of a mix of fairtrade gold and organic potatoes, Bean says she plans to wear it everywhere.

“It’s a great conversation starter,” Bean said. “I love talking about this award and veganism.”