The Tator

UW-Eau Claire voted America’s Most Beautiful Construction Site


This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The official website ranking national construction sites,, recently announced the UW-Eau Claire has climbed up to the number one spot on its list of most beautiful construction sites.

This development came after the previous champion, a Wal-Mart in Benton, Ohio, was completed, leaving the number one spot open. Eau Claire pulled ahead of its competitor, a Los Angeles County prison wing, after beginning the Garfield Avenue Project.

The website’s ratings are based on four categories: Size, amount of exposed dirt, inconvenience and length of project. The university scored high marks in three categories, excelling most in size, with construction covering 75% of campus. The prison wing beat Eau Claire in only the “length of project” category due to insufficient funds to continue construction.

Ulysses Incognito, foreman on the prison wing construction, didn’t see the point in having a race at all, let alone the significance that Eau Claire and the prison wing were neck and neck.

“Why is this even important?” he asked. “Is there a cash prize or something?”

The student body is buzzing with celebrations about their school’s inclusion on the list. The first-annual Eau Claire Broken Ground Party is going to be held on Sept. 24, featuring games, food and a raffle, with the grand prize being a genuine Blugold shovel.

“I’m happy to see that our inconvenience is helping out the school,” said golf course management student and event organizer, Lavender Chrysanthemum, “And it’s good to finally see our school being noticed for something other than the arts.”

The surrounding neighborhoods have also seen some changes. In the third ward, new families are finally able to afford moving into the area with property values in some places dropping by 65%. The Water Street district has also seen property values drop, some to just over 100 dollars, half of their original worth.

“I was able to buy 5 houses for pennies on the dollar,” said Jared Ontonagon, owner of United Rental Properties. “Now I can let them sit for a few years to mature, and before you know it, they will be ready for renting.”

When asked if the properties were going to be renovated, Ontonagon responded with “sure.”

The university is already trying to cement its place at the top of this list. To get a boost in the inconvenience category, the university built Aspenson-Mogenson Hall, gaining extra points for having no ceilings in the upper floors. In order to increase marks in the size category, the university created the Confluence Project to spread the construction downtown and is creating a new welcome center to take up the space that hasn’t already been covered with construction.