I don’t like Lady Gaga. There it is. Earth-shattering, I know. Just call me a hater and get it over with.

To anyone still reading, I thank you.

I recently was talking with a few friends and one of them made the statement that everybody likes Lady Gaga at least a little bit. I tried to disagree, but ended up tripping all over myself because my aversion to her isn’t really explainable. I just don’t like her.

I don’t like it when her implausibly catchy pop songs get stuck in my head; I don’t like it that she wears meat-inspired outfits; I don’t like that her persona’s whole existence is to get attention; I don’t like that she has a persona.

But this isn’t to discredit her, because honestly, I get it.

She is using her undeniably and universally danceable tunes to captivate a worldwide audience so they can see her ongoing, interactive theater art piece on what it means to be a celebrity. And she’s a huge success. Besides, she has a hell of a voice and she uses it well.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: Lady Gaga, it’s not you, it’s me. We don’t work well together. I feel like we’re in two different worlds. I’m here, you’re there. You like bubbles, I like flannel. You don’t wear pants, I do. We just don’t work.

And I’ve tried. Oh, have I tried!

During the last couple years, my weird instinct to find Lady Gaga insufferable has been unsympathetically doing vicious battle with my weird instinct to like what everyone else likes. I thought that by giving her a chance, maybe I’d warm up to her like I had done with other artists like Fleet Foxes, Spoon and The National.

For example, when Lady Gaga appeared on SNL last year, there were some really nice moments during her solo piano performance. Unfortunately, they were punctuated by the giant hula-hoop rings she was wearing hitting the microphone and making it hard for her to sit down and play.

And this is how it always is. Moments of good are always followed by moments of awkward discomfort that make for one big, giant non-party in my mind. Therefore, I avoid these moments by giving up.

Yet her creativity remains rewarded.

Back in high school, when I was really into Phish, I was outraged at some reviewer who said that Phish could literally urinate into the ears of their fans, and the fans would still love it. I was outraged! Why was I outraged? I don’t know! I just thought it was really offensive. Now that I’ve since moved on from Phish, and I moved so far, I realized that there is some, scratch that, a lot of truth to that.

It wasn’t so much a statement directed at the intelligence of Phish’s fans, but rather their intense dedication they’re known for.

I feel like it’s almost the same thing with Lady Gaga. No matter what she wears, no matter what statement she makes, no matter what lyrics she breaks into during her acceptance speech at the VMAs, people still adore her. So my question is: where will the line be drawn? Will the line even ever be drawn?

She is a huge star at the top of her career, and it’s almost at the point where to be a citizen of anywhere is to be a Lady Gaga fan. So drink it up while it lasts, hopefully you won’t get too sloppy.