ndeed, it is time to let you all in on a little inside joke between my roommate and me. For some time now, we have shamelessly become born-again “Wheel of Fortune” fans. This, however, has led to the discovery of one of my biggest beefs on evening television. No, not Meredith Grey. Pat Sajak, you say? Nope, but closer.

Oh, but it is the ridiculous, nay, inefficient (in every sense of the word), overuse of vowel purchases on America’s favorite game show. Well, actually, it’s America’s favorite weekday evening game show, but who really pays attention to those small details anyway?

As students, we are in a time in our lives when money is of essence and a penny saved, indeed, is a penny earned. When the likelihood of lunch is dependent on the coin-collecting productivity of one’s couch, this vowel nonsense is a travesty in cash expenditure. How 50-plus dollars can be spent in such ease disgusts me.

I know, I know, you have to spend money to make it. But everyone knows you can take the vowels out of every word and still read them. I’ll prove it now in this example:
Phrase:

Y_ _’ R _ K_LL_NG M_, Y_ _ L_TTL_
G_M_ SH_W B_ST_RDS!

Wait, can I say, “I’d like to buy a vowel?” Umm, “O?” Good thing I just, literally just, wrote a check out to the maker of “Wheel of Fortune,” as now this is much easier to read.

YO _’ R_ K_LL_NG M_, YO _ L_TTL_ G_M_ SHOW B_ST_RDS!

Wow, that was totally worth the $150 I just spent. Wait, no. Actually, I think I’m going to need an “E.” Yes, I’m going to do it: “I’d like to buy another vowel please.”
And this goes on.

This is the very process that is turning a semi-sane girl from the Midwest into a full-blown nutcase in serious need of meeting a new friend named The Nearest Institution!

I know many people must be thinking, “Wow, can’t you just let it go?” Well, thanks for asking, but NO, I CAN’T. And you shouldn’t either, as we are forced to watch our favorite weekday evening game-show program seemingly promote such highly uneconomical choices. It’s insulting, and it’s being thrown right in our faces.

Make a “College Wheel of Fortune” and I guarantee people will make do without the vowels. If I have any chance in winning the round, I’m keeping every penny I’ve got. In fact, if I don’t have much chance in winning, I certainly am keeping my soon-to-be-lost cash, if for no other reason than to not help my opponent win. For $50 quickly turns into $250 (multiples of the requested vowel on the board) if this vowel has any chance in helping you. And $50 that stays $50 for just one of that vowel on the board is better left in my pocket.

As students, we learn (or will learn – welcome, freshmen) the art of saving money and prioritizing. Either that or we have the bank calling us four times a day telling us in that annoying recorded voice to stop using our credit card because it’s been maxed out for two months.

Anyway, we need to learn to be strong and resist that brand name food, while opting for the Target brand. We have to live off ramen noodles, tuna in a can and Beast Light (so sad) in order to spend the little we have on “wiser” purchases. Call me a consonant-lover, but hey, it’s much more efficient and definitely worth it.

This issue may remind you of my theme song, The Offspring’s “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” Though an excellent point, I must call attention to the fact that even with a job, $7.50 an hour (if you’re lucky) isn’t exactly “banking” by any means.

If I haven’t gotten through to you yet, at $7.50 an hour, it would take more than six and a half hours to work for one vowel. So now, not only is money being wasted, but so is our precious time. Which is why you may now be able understand the frustration that comes when watching some nitwit contestant buy a “u” for the following phrase:
Food:

GR_ _ K SALAD W_TH CR_MBL_D F_TA .
And I can promise you, if I ever go on “Family Wheel of Fortune” and my kids make me put money into the Pat and Vanna fund from the IVLC (inept vowel-loving crazies), fine, but it’s coming out of their allowance.

If not taught early enough, the value of saving money many times goes hand in hand with the phrase, “learning the hard way.” This is why I bring this exhausting topic to your attention, because I want to help some of you skip the direct involvement in that step.

So, when little Timmy wants to buy some ice cream at the store, guess what? You know it, he’s getting a double scoop of, “Well, honey, you shouldn’t have spent all your money on those vowels.” Ha ha, that’ll teach him.

So, lesson of the day, kids, save your money. And this goes for more than just excessive vowel spending. Trust me, I’m still semi-sane, and you’ll thank me in the long run.