Attention members of the Academy. With the Oscar ceremony just two weeks away, we as American citizens and products of pop culture feel that recent achievements in movies have been unfairly overlooked, while others have been, well, excuses to get up and go to the bathroom.

Honestly, do you really pay attention to who wins Best Documentary Short Subject?

To give credit where credit is due, here are some ideas of new categories to look into, plus the recipients of these high honors.

Best Explanation for Sudden Nausea – “Autumn in New York.” I’m sorry, but having an ever-aging Richard Gere hook up with an ailing Winona Ryder is enough to give anyone a run for the bathroom.

Best Reason to Go on a Diet – “Chocolat.” All I could think about during the entire movie as I drooled into my popcorn bowl is not how gorgeous Johnny Depp is, but how damn good that chocolate cake looked.

Best Excuse to Skip Out on that Spring Break Trip to Mexico – “Traffic.” Their ways of torture are slightly different than that of the university’s.

Best Supporting Prop – it’s a toss-up between Wilson, Tom Hanks’ volleyball friend in “Cast Away” and Julia Roberts’ bra in “Erin Brockovich.” You can’t get more supportive than that.

Best Reason to Stay Out of the Bathtub – “What Lies Beneath.” Unless you like seeing decomposed faces of death in the water, go with the shower.

Best Explanation for Your Sudden Conversion to Vegetarianism – “Chicken Run.” It was weeks before I could eat poultry without thinking of the wisecracking clay chicken who sounded an awful lot like the guy from “Braveheart.”

Best Reason to Deny You Ever Had a Crush on Leonardo DiCaprio – “The Beach.” His career has sunk faster than the Titanic. (Come on, I had to say it).

Best Explanation for Wanting to Take a Shower – “Quills.” In an attempt to prove that he can still create a risqu‚ piece of writing without the use of ink, a very naked Marquis de Sade uses his own excrement to coat the walls of his cell with his newest bestseller. Oh, if only The Spectator was distributed that way.

Best Reason to Apply for Beauty School – “Mission: Impossible 2.” I couldn’t take my eyes off the slow-motion shots of that luscious mane atop Mr. Cruise’s head. I wanted to comb it, wash it and cut it. It’s a crime to have hair that beautiful.

Best Reason to Dust Off That Old History Textbook – “The Patriot” and “Gladiator.” Only in Hollywood do loyalists and Roman warriors look like Mel Gibson and have bodies like Russell Crowe. And I can guarantee that the real ones didn’t have American accents and didn’t date Meg Ryan.

Best Excuse to Admit You Have a Crush on a 14-year-old Boy – “Billy Elliot.” OK, so the whole world knows now. But when I’m 40, he’ll be 32 and that won’t seem as bad.

Best Explanation for Recent Appreciation for “Grease” – “Battlefield Earth.” John Travolta, didn’t anyone tell you that Scientology and dreadlocks don’t mix? He’ll be trying to forget this one for years – I hope.

Best Reason to Just Say No – “Requiem for a Dream.” Mr. T should take this movie to all of his “Say No to Drugs” seminars and show not just some of the most realistic and frightening rushes of addiction, but the horror and overcharge that follows. I pity the foo’ who would miss this one.

With these new and improved categories, I can guarantee that your Oscar telecast will be a smash – and an extra two hours long. But, hey, that’s OK. There’s nothing I’d rather do than sit through a seven-hour awards ceremony if it means these unsung heroes get the recognition they deserve. Come March 25th, everybody’s a winner.