Horoscopes?

‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

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Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Hello folks!

It’s me — your former-editor-in-chief-turned-copy editor. Now that I am no longer the Boss Lady (shout out to Ta’Leah), I feel comfortable bringing back what is perhaps my most ridiculous column: Horoscopes?

Now be warned: My predictions of the future are stronger than ever before. So buckle up, Blugolds. The stars await.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Happy birthday, Virgo. Did you know that virgos are known as elegant perfectionists?

False.

You, Virgo, are a mess this semester. By the end of next week you will forget your pants when you come to campus — at least once. 

You will also misplace a series of items, starting with your backpack and ending with your roommate. Good luck on finding them; the stars tell me you won’t.

But do not fear, my friend. There is a very simple way to avoid this misfortune: Don’t go to class and sell all your personal belongings (including your roommate). You can’t lose what you no longer have.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Good news, Libra. Your roommate is getting an adorable puppy. The bad news: You aren’t allowed to pet it.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

It’s your time to shine, Scorpio. The moon is in retrograde and the stars are breakdancing to the Village People. That can only indicate one thing: You’re about to meet the love of your life. 

The stars are telling me they’ll be wearing a lot of pink sequins when you meet. They’ll also have a deep love of disco and dinosaurs.

Go to them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Wash those hands, Sagittarius. COVID-19 is everywhere. Your out-of-touch uncle might say otherwise, but the stars know the truth.

Whatever you do — you must avoid the cafeteria on upper campus. That is where the danger lies.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Don’t move a muscle, Capricorn. Blu is right behind you and they can smell fear.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’re running low on money, Aquarius — so low, in fact, that you are now left with two options: join a cult or start a cult. Either way, good luck.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’re really missing sports right about now, Pisces. Well, I have good news for you. 

The stars are telling me that you are destined to invent a new phenomenon known as “solo sports” where athletes stand in a field and play fetch with a ball of their choice by themselves. 

It’ll be a huge success amongst the Blugold football players.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You need to try something new this semester, Aries. My suggestion? Join a cult.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This year has been absolute chaos. But don’t worry, Taurus. The stars are telling me that everything is about to go back to normal. 

COVID-whatever is about to be eradicated, the presidential election will end exactly how you want it to and Michael Jackson will return to us, stronger and more talented than ever.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You have no future, Gemini. I’ve been waiting a whole year to remind you of that.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Come to class tomorrow wearing a dinosaur costume and a lot of pink sequins. Trust me, just do it.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Winter is coming, Leo Snow. Prepare to hibernate by collecting all the tree nuts you can find in Carson Park. Then, you dig.

That’s all for now, Blugolds. I hope everyone has a great semester (even if classes do go online again). If anyone needs me, I’ll be here in my destitute cave, talking to the spirits and eating a lot of mac and cheese.

Goodbye.