“It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up”

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

It’s officially fall, so you know it’s time to get spooky. 

This week’s horoscopes are here, so let’s dive right into those fall vibes.


Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

You’re a caring individual, but sometimes this can be overwhelming for you. Harmony is something that’s really important to you, but you can’t push harmony when people won’t agree with you. When relationships get tense, treat yourself to a toffee nut latte. It’s a hot, sweet, nutty, buttery, but not too overwhelming fall drink. Your body will thank you. 


Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

You’re going to be brooding over something a lot this week, Scorpio. Something is making you frustrated, so you’re like a literal walking raincloud. Try to parse out those negative emotions with a dirty chai


Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

Your exploring nature says you need to go gallivanting around some spooky woods in the dark at 2 a.m., but we all know this is a bad idea, especially if there are graveyards nearby. Bring a buddy to be safe, and make sure you don’t trespass. After your (safe) late-night adventuring, drink a nice pumpkin spice hot chocolate


Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

You’re headstrong, Capricorn. This week, put that headstrong attitude to good use by powering through your first horror movie. Pick a really scary one to spook your socks off. I would recommend “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.” That Great Pumpkin part gets me every time. Afterward, treat yourself to a spicy Mexican mocha


Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

You normally think too hard about things, Aquarius. This keeps you up late at night and distracts you from accomplishing the things you want to accomplish deep down. Try being basic for once in your life. Make yourself a pumpkin spice latte so you can experience being like the rest of us. 


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

Your star sign is the fish. Fish live in water. Therefore, you should just order water. Hydration, not die-dration, friends. 


Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You’re getting aggressive about your opinion this week, Aries. Calm. Down. Sometimes you get too hyped up on the little things, and you focus too much on them. Don’t forget to look at the big picture, and maybe grab a salted caramel mocha latte to chill a little bit. 


Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Your friends are going to go through some tough times this week, and you’re going to be the one they turn to. They see you as dependable, organized and persistent. You’ll be thriving this week, but don’t forget to help out the others who aren’t. Maybe drink an orange mocha latte to help give you extra energy. 


Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You’re going to have a tough time making big decisions this week. You already have chronic anxiety, so don’t drink coffee — that will just add to your already-anxious body. It’ll be hard to make a decision between a hot chai tea latte or a London fog, but it’ll be an easier decision than the other ones you have to make in your life. 


Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Hooray! You submitted a big-deal application last week, Cancer. This week you need to remember to treat yourself! Go see a fun movie, head to the mall and wander around with friends, go apple picking or head over to a pumpkin patch — in any case, just enjoy yourself. Maybe try making a pumpkin frappuccino. Something tells me you’ll enjoy it. 


Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

You’re finally feeling good about things, Leo! Thrive in this feeling of success! You’re going to get a few bad grades (or bad news) later this week, but remember to keep your chin up because life comprises both highs and lows. One of your favorite fall drinks is the PSL, but try the Cinderella Latte — a twist that blends a PSL and a white mocha. Who knows? You might like it. 


Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

You’re a perfectionist, Virgo, and this week will lead to frustration over the fact that you can’t be perfect at everything. Nobody is perfect, and you need to remind yourself of that sometimes. Remember not to sacrifice your health for good grades and perfectionism. Don’t order your usual vanilla bean frappuccino. Go for something spicier. How about a pumpkin pie-spiced coffee

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]