“It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up”

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Fall means everything has to be apple or pumpkin-related. Literally everything. Pumpkin spice lattes. Apple-cinnamon candles. Apple orchards. Pumpkin patches. You name it, autumn has it in store. 

So, obviously, we had to have apple/pumpkin-themed horoscopes. It’s what the stars made me do. 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

It’s your month, Libra! Be basic and pick up a PSL on your way home from work today so you can feel those autumn vibes. You’ll drink it and vomit right afterward, but that’s exactly what you needed today. 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

Start looking at Halloween costumes, Scorpio. You know this is your month to shine. Scary costumes are usually right up your alley since you can use them to scare the bejeezus out of someone. But, be warned: someone is going to scare you this week, and they’re going to scare you well. Don’t say the stars didn’t warn you. 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

Treat yourself this week, Sagittarius. Make some apple crisp and enjoy the fruit of your labors. Don’t forget the vanilla ice cream! 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

If someone asks you to a pumpkin patch this week, be a jerk and say “no.” You don’t realize it, but you will trip right over some giant gourds and end up in the hospital. You’ll probably ignore me, so have fun at the hospital. 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

Don’t eat apples this week, Aquarius. You’re actually allergic to them, but you didn’t know. Seriously, don’t do it. I’m serious. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

Invest in some apple-cinnamon candles, Pisces! Seriously, your room stinks. 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You have high energy, Aries, but this week you’ll be running a little low. Make yourself a nice, warm, chai tea latte and add some extra cinnamon. Maybe bake some pumpkin pie to go with it. Treat yourself well. You deserve it. 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

That seasonal depression is really kicking in, Taurus. Spend some time outside. Jump in a big pile of leaves. Head to an apple orchard or pumpkin patch. Most importantly, take care of yourself. 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You’ve procrastinated on your homework for three weeks now, Gemini, and now you have no future. Eat your apple crisp. Enjoy it. 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Start drawing out designs for how to carve your pumpkin this week, Cancer. You’re going to be indecisive in late October and not know what to do. 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

You’re going to get sick this week, Leo, so make sure you invest in a good humidifier, cold meds and some good apple-cinnamon tea. Kick back and do your favorite self-care routine. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Last week didn’t go well for you Virgo, so try to make this week work. Avoid apple crisp at all costs. It’s bad luck. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]