‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

November 2, 2020

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Greetings, once again. I hope you all had a splendid weekend and took advantage of the beautiful weather. I sure know my across-the-street neighbors did, considering that I had the joyous honor of listening to their awful music being blasted as they “dartied.” All. Day. Long.

Also, their front yard is a mess. Come on, people. Is it that hard to throw used beer pong cups away?

What did I do for fun, you might be wondering? Well, I didn’t visit any “darties,” but I did go see “Avengers: Endgame.” I obviously won’t give anything away, but I will tell you all that I sobbed uncontrollably. And that was just during the trailers.

Anywho, I’ve decided I am, once again, in the mood to shake things up a bit. In this very special edition of “Horoscopes?” I’m going to tell you which character of “The Office” you would be, and why, based off of your sign. Just because I want to.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re a real Roy, Taurus. Stubborn as can be, with just a dash of anger issues. But hey, he turned out all right in the end.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I didn’t even have to think this one through. Toby.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are a total Pam, Cancer. Your mothering nature and crippling awkwardness tend to cause you to put others before yourself. But hey, at least your weird boss openly admits you’re the cutest in the office.


Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You are a notorious drama queen, Leo, making you the perfect Kelly. Your sense of logic and priorities might not always be on point, but your confidence is off the charts.


Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

You’re definitely a Dwight, Virgo. Your analytic and neurotic nature make you just weird enough to unsettle everyone around you.


Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your annoyingly positive, upbeat nature makes you the ideal Erin, Libra. Like Erin, you tend to be a bit ditzy at times, but it’s a happy ditzy.


Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Scorpio, you’re definitely the Ryan of the signs. At first, you come across as mysterious and charismatic to everyone you meet. But eventually, everyone will come to realize you’re actually a hot mess. And that’s OK.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You are 100 percent Jim, Sagittarius. Your outgoing and adventurous nature is infectious to those around you, but there will always be that an odd one out who doesn’t like you.


Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You have an old and serious soul, Capricorn, making you a total Stanley. You may seem innocent and chill on the outside, but you’re really just a cranky old man at heart.


Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

As an Aquarius, you are notoriously weird. You’re a Creed, through and through. No one really understands you, and frankly, they’re not sure they want to.


Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’re a dreamer, Pisces — a little out of touch with reality. Naturally, this makes you a pure Michael. You may not always know what’s going on, but that sure won’t stop you from inserting yourself into other people’s issues.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are notoriously motivated and aggressive, Aries. But guess what? You’re still a Kevin, because of irony.


Well, that’s all I got for you all this week.

I really debated which characters I wanted to compare you all to. Naturally, “Game of Thrones” was my first choice, but I know those characters are probably less known than “The Office.” But I’ll tell you right now, Geminis are total Joffreys.

My second choice was “Which Avenger are you?” Honestly, it would’ve been hard to give any of those characters my trademark subtle insults, because they’re all amazing.

So yeah, you get what you get.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].