‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

November 2, 2020

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Welcome back to a special place I like to refer to as the Terror Zone — my brain.

I’m going to be real with you guys; I’m really not loving all of this snow. There’s so much of it, and it just won’t stop coming. It’s like the weather in Eau Claire goes from winter, to second winter, to summer, to third winter.

Is this the universe punishing us? Is this some sort of cosmic joke only the stars will find amusing? Does anyone here remember grass? I sure don’t.

Let me tell you, my cranky mood sure does not bode well for all of your future predictions. Buckle up, folks. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Hello Birthday Person. I sure do hope you enjoy spending these lovely days cooped up in your tiny apartment or dorm room, because the stars are telling me you may never see the light of day again. The snow is building up. Your windows are about to be covered. Your door is unmovable. Your car is trapped under a snowbank. Welcome to the Snowpocalypse.

On the bright side, things probably won’t get to the point where you have to eat your roommate. Summer is coming; we just have to make it through second winter.

In the midst of this Long Night (that’s a “Game of Thrones” reference, for those of you who are uncultured), you may find that it is still possible for you to have a nice birthday. Go home and visit your parents. Spend the night out with your best pals, or a relaxing evening in with your significant other. To ensure a successful and memorable birthday celebration, you just have to remember one thing: The Pickle is not an ideal birthday destination, despite what your friends might tell you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Avoid any icicles you see. If you get too close, one will fall, and you will be impaled. You have been warned.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Remember how that mailman is suing you for drop-kicking him? He’s about to drain you of everything you love.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good news, Gemini. The stars are finally showing me something. It’s white. It’s the color white. It’s snow. Everything around you: snow. Have the stars provided any further context as to what this might mean? Nope. But as far as the eye can see — there’s snow.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Uh oh, Cancer. Looks like you’re about to come down with a nasty cold. To avoid this, you must make a blood sacrifice to Mercury. Eau Claire is about to experience a major shortage of neighborhood squirrels.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Leo, the stars are warning me that you are going to slip and fall on the way to one of your classes this week. Carry a box of matches with you at all times in order to melt any ice you might be forced to walk across. Also, lay your jacket down across any puddles inside the campus buildings like a Southern gentleman, and walk across that to avoid any indoor incidents.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

Mars really has a bone to pick with you, Virgo. The stars are telling me you will not do so great on your next exam. Redeem yourself by begging your professor for forgiveness and offering to do their laundry for a month.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

It’s time to step up, Libra. I don’t care one bit how cozy you are on your couch, watching “The Office.” Your neighbor’s car has been stuck in a small mountain of snow for the last hour, and if you don’t help her get it out, you will be forever cursed. Your first-born daughter will be born with the face of a pig, and it will never change until she finds someone to fall in love with her (this is a “Penelope” reference, for those of you who are REALLY uncultured).

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Be careful out there, Scorpio. According to the stars, frostbite is a very real threat for you in these upcoming days. If you lose an ear to frostbite, you will only have two left. And you are basically useless with only two ears.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Better bundle up, Sagittarius. Looks like the heater in your apartment is about to break. Remember, desperate times call for desperate measures. Don’t be afraid to set your couch on fire, should the need arise.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Despite this cold weather, it looks like Venus really wants to help you keep warm, Capricorn. Warm with the glow of love. Things are looking up in your love life. Unfortunately, this means that everything else in your life is about to go way downhill, very fast.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Watch out for Cabin Fever this week, Aquarius. You can’t stay cooped up forever. Step outside, hiss at the sun for a bit, then retreat safely back into your cave. At least you’ll be able to say you got a little fresh air.

Well, I hope that wasn’t too disappointing for you guys. But even as I write this, I am wrapped in a fluffy blanket and contemplating every life decision I have ever made that may have gotten me to this point.

Stay warm out there, my dudes. Or go into hibernation until the snow melts. I promise I won’t judge you either way.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected]