(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

I’m not going to lie: I think I’ve found my calling here. I was born to write subpar predictions of everyone’s future — and I’ve never felt so powerful.

I’ve recently been asked: “How do you come up with this stuff?” Well, the answer is simple. I give each sign about 11.6 seconds of thought, then I randomly slam my head against the keyboard until full sentences are formed. It’s a magical process.

Behold: round three of the most accurate and exciting horoscopes you will ever read.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Uh oh, Pisces. The moon is in perfect alignment with Venus, probably. Your love life is about to go way down hill. The Hill. Avoid lower campus at all costs. Stay on upper for as long as possible. Have classes? Skip them. Or else you’ll never be happy with the love of your life. And isn’t your current relationship status far more important than your education? Yeah, I thought so.

On the bright side, the stars are telling me that your platonic friendships are all stronger than ever. You and your besties have never felt so close. In fact, your closest friends are currently in the middle of planning your surprise birthday party. I was asked not to tell you, but I’m a rebel.

Want all of your greatest birthday wishes to come true this year? Show respect to your astrological element by worshiping water. Treat it with respect. Do not touch it. Do not drink it. Do not even look at it. Crossing the bridge? Close your eyes. Getting thirsty? Swallow your spit. This is the only way for you to have a happy birthday.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Can’t find your cat, Aries? Well I have bad news for you. He is currently buried in one of the snow banks lining your street. Don’t worry, the stars are telling me he’ll be fine. You’re just going to have difficult time finding the right snow pile to dig into.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Remember that mailman you beat up last week? He’s suing you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I am seeing something… a glimmer. It’s getting brighter. The stars are whispering to me. They are telling me… nothing. Still nothing. I’m sorry, the stars are jerks sometimes. Did you do something to make them angry?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re going to do amazing on that exam you have coming up, Cancer. For good luck, start crying in the middle of it to gain sympathy from your professor.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Leo, you really hurt your dad’s feelings the other day. He’s trying, ok? Not everyone nails a Bob Ross painting on their first try.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

Someone partied a little too hard last weekend. Can’t find your phone? It’s floating down the mighty Chippewa. Can’t find your wallet? There’s a stray dog in town who ate it for dinner. And what about your car keys? Well, Chancellor Jim sure is enjoying his new ride.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your natural leadership and confidence will come in handy this week when you get assigned that group project. In other words: you’re about to do a group project entirely by yourself. And your lazy partners will still get the same A that you earned.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’re wrong. You can argue all you want, but you’re still wrong.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Well, your bills are beginning to pile up. So is that mountain of dirty dishes in your sink. And there are also probably mice living in your basement. Welcome to adulthood.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Thanks to that classic, clever Capricorn nature, you’re about to get away with something. I don’t know what, though; you’re just that sneaky.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Quit trying so hard, Aquarius. It’s okay to take things easy and make some mistakes every once and awhile. You know what’s not okay? Having a full-on meltdown in the middle of a lecture because you can’t unzip your backpack.

 

Thanks for visiting, ladies and gents. I know you’ll miss me, but I will return once again in a week to amaze and astound, as per usual. Enjoy your weeks, and remember: you can’t escape fate. Especially not the fate I have chosen for you.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].