Eau Claire administration declares state of emergency as seniors ‘drop like flies’

The plague of senioritis has continued to infect ‘unprecedented’ numbers of students, even spreading to the junior and sophomore class

More stories from Faith Hultman


This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Chancellor James C. Schmidt, along with an emergency committee of UW-Eau Claire administrators, has declared a campus-wide state of emergency as “unprecedented” numbers of students become infected with the senioritis pathogen.

The committee, composed of advisors, professors of upper-division classes, a scientific research team and local doctors, was formed last week in response to the continued spread of senioritis throughout the university.

“We call this time period, between April 7, which is the last day to withdraw from classes, and graduation ‘the danger zone,’” Doctor Martina Gonzalez said. “If appropriate measures aren’t taken at the beginning of spring semester, seniors are left speeding down a highway to the danger zone.”

The spread of senioritis has been very aggressive this semester, Gonzalez said. It is appearing in juniors and even the occasional sophomore, which is a phenomenon that student health services just weren’t prepared for.

Kallie Hallie is a senior who was infected with senioritis two weeks ago, right after the the ‘danger zone’ window opened up.

“I haven’t left my bed in four days. I can’t do my homework, I can’t go to class, I can’t study,” Hallie said. “This disease is ruining my academic career.”

If Hallie doesn’t pull her grades up she may not graduate, said her advisor, Professor Angelina Blake.

The pathogen has spread to around 80 percent of the 2017 graduating class, the emergency committee said in an official statement released last Thursday. Around 40 percent of those infected are in danger of not graduating, the statement said.

“The causes of senioritis are varied. It’s hard to pinpoint how and why it spreads, but our team of researchers have found that the warm weather has a massive role in promoting the spread of this dangerous plague,” Gonzalez said.

Dr. Gonzalez has been studying the causes and behaviors of the senioritis pathogen for years in an attempt to find a cure.

“The rise of social media has compounded the problem for sure,” she said. “The pathogen spreads the moment a student sees another student at the beach or having fun outside. Before they know it, that student will be unable to attend class and will find themselves on the beach with their fellow victims.”

The emergency response committee is considering response options, including quarantine and beachside classes, Chancellor Schmidt said.

“What’s important now is that we help the infected students make it to graduation,” Schmidt said. “The only known cure for senioritis is graduation, so if it continues to spread to the junior and sophomore class we could be facing a problem of unprecedented proportions.”

The paradox of this disease is that the only known cure is graduation, but those who have been infected exhibit behaviors completely contrary to that goal, Gonzalez said.

“I hope I graduate, but at this point in the semester I barely care,” Hallie said. “The weather is so nice that I just can’t bring myself to put work into my classes. Fingers crossed that this crippling disease gives me a break so I can write that four-page research paper due next Tuesday.”

The state of emergency that has been declared will not be lifted until the emergency response committee discovers the solution to helping not only the massive percentage of seniors in danger of not graduating, but also the juniors and sophomores who will have to live with this syndrome until they wearily crawl across the graduation stage, said Schmidt.

“We will not sleep until we find a cure,” Schmidt said. “That’s our duty to the students at this campus. We simply cannot allow the senioritis pathogen to continue wreaking havoc on the work students have put in during their years at this university.”