That’s it – I can’t take any more spam! And no, I’m not talking about that tasty ham-like creation by Hormel. I’m talking about the barrage of junk e-mails I receive daily from every type of business under the sun.

I don’t ever recall telling anyone that what I wanted more than anything in the world was stupid jokes sent to me six times a day by the exact same sender, but somebody misunderstood my silence as such.

Likewise, I never expressed interest in dating services. For what it’s worth, I’m engaged, but even if I were single, I think I could find better ways to find my soul mate. Whatever happened to hitting Broadway Street in Menomonie and impressing a coed from Stout with your 25 cent words or, better yet, earning a high schooler’s love by purchasing her alcohol and tobacco?

Then there are your classic spam messages, like ads for credit cards, free travel and claiming the money or prize you don’t remember registering for. However, these are pale in comparison to the ads for “personal enhancement” products.

Even though I am a man, suggesting I’m interested in generic Viagra or a pill to increase my endowment is a stretch (pun intended) to say the least. Worse yet are the ads for breast enhancement products. Like most men, I’m concerned about my breast size, but come on, there’s no way I’m buying more cleavage from someone over the Internet. Especially when “Punky Brewster” taught me that cheese puffs work just fine.

Just last week I received some spam advertising photos – and this is no lie – of Madonna getting intimate with an elephant. All right, maybe they got my number there.

Regardless, it should not take 10 minutes to check e-mail, as it did when I was unfortunate enough to have to use AOL for a week before SBC Ameritech was gracious enough to connect my DSL service a month late. Especially when only two of the e-mails are actually pertinent to your life.

To make things worse, the only ways to unsubscribe are to send a blank e-mail to an address that doesn’t exist or link to a Web site that was never created. I could invest in spam-blocking software, but for all I know the only way to purchase it is from a spam message I already deleted.

For now I’m holding my ground when it comes to not buying what these mass spammers are selling. But for how long?

If you spot me one day looking like the offspring of Ron Jeremy and Anna Nicole Smith, (because let’s face it, I’m no Pam Anderson), while charging up a storm on my 18 credit cards with my new girlfriend, all the while spouting lame jokes like they are currency, you’ll know they won.