Herman Cain, you’re the worst

Story by Eric Christenson

It’s less than a year until Election Day 2012 and already, the campaigns of a few of the GOP candidates are so exhausting — exhausting the way doing an Iron Man race and then getting to the finish to realize President Barack Obama won the race two years ago is exhausting.

But still, the road goes on.

And that always brings terrible campaign ads and ploys and strategies to win the public over, as does any political race.  But now, I think the game has changed with none other than Mr. Pizza himself, Herman Cain (it should be noted that I don’t think Herman Cain’s actual nickname is Mr. Pizza, but honestly, at this point, who would be surprised by that?).

Now, I think I understand Herman Cain pretty well.  He was the chairman and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, which is what he’s mostly known for, but now with hiscampaign moves and weird, WEIRD ads, Cain’s being too ridiculous to be a viable presidential candidate — or even too ridiculous to have as a weirdo uncle or something.  So that’s why … Herman Cain:
You’re the Worst!

You really are.  You need to stop.  You need to settle down and maybe go away for a while.  It’s getting to be too much.

Herman Cain’s done a lot of horrifying things.  Like all this sexual harassment/assault stuff flying around!  Have you heard about that?  Yikes!  It sounds terrible.  But that’s not even what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about some of these ads the Cain campaign has been running.

This first one is very indirectly a campaign movie, but I’d like to talk about the video of Cain singing a parody of John Lennon’s “Imagine” in 1991, but the lyrics are about pizza.  Maybe you’ve seen it.  It was before Cain was even really in the politics game and he was just a guy who loves pizza who is the CEO of an OK pizza chain.

Anyway, the video went viral, OBVIOUSLY (political candidate? check.  Song parody? check.  Pizza?  triple check.) and I’ll admit, it’s a good video, you’ll like it.  But it’s also SO OBNOXIOUS.  And not only because no one will ever stop talking about it, but also because of the rhymes.

Ready?  I’ll give you a second to get ready …

Okay, here are the first few lines of the song: “Imagine there’s no pizza / I couldn’t if I tried / Eating only tacos / Or Kentucky Fried / Imagine only burgers / It’s frightening and sad.”

Now, I probably shouldn’t judge, and it’s completely not serious or whatever, but come on, Herman Cain!  “Kentucky Fried”?  Kentucky Fried what?  You lose!  “Frightening and sad”?  Woof.  Work harder next time, Mr. Pizza.

The next ad I saw the other day, and it’s called “He Carried Yellow Flowers.”

It’s completely puzzling!

At the beginning, there’s text that says “There was a time in America when a man was a man, a horse was a horse, and a man on a horse was just a man on a horse … unless he carried Yellow Flowers.”  Uh, yes.  I agree?  I don’t know.  It’s very bizarre.  The actor Nick Searcy is in the ad and plays a tough cowboy who supports Herman Cain, carries yellow flowers, I guess, and is kind of terrible to the people he works with.  Do you guys know who Nick Searcy is?  Does anyone?  Probably, but WHY NICK SEARCY?  Will this get me free pizza?  I have questions, Herman Cain!

And finally, the smoking one.  Mr. Pizza’s chief of staff, Mark Block, was in another super weird ad where he talk about how Herman Cain is cool and popular and smart and nice and then he takes a drag from a cigarette and blows it in the camera’s face (i.e. OUR FACES)!

What?  Again with the weirdo stuff, Mr. Pizza?  Why would you have this dude we don’t really know about blow smoke at us?  Are you trying to say that smoking is cool?  Should I be smoking right now?  What does this all have to do with pizza?

Herman Cain, you are a mystery.  And it’s a wonder that you’re a frontrunner in the GOP race.  Are you giving THEM free pizza?

I don’t think that’s fair!  I would like pizza, too, obviously!

Some sort of pizza deal is going to have to be put in place before you get my vote, sir, I hope you realize that.

Until then, please stop with the weird ads.  They don’t make me want to vote for you; they just make me want to never eat pizza again, and that’s a dealbreaker!