TW,MDMYES: “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”

Story by Eric Christenson

You guys, the road to finding The Worst, Most Despicable Movies You’ve Ever Seen is long, treacherous, ugly and frankly, full of poop.

But I think we’ve found it.

Out of the 12 movies we’ve watched thus far, I’m confident that “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” is the worst of them all. And that’s not easy to say!

I mean, we’ve seen Martin Lawrence lead a medieval group of minstrels in Sly and the Family Stone’s “Dance to the Music.” We’ve seen a baby genius play Crash Bandicoot (lol) in an abandoned mall. We’ve even seen a dude try to have sex with a ghost and fall down a shaft. Still, “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” takes the cake, you guys. Granted that cake is more of a barfworthy garbage loaf that shops at Burlington Coat Factory and actually enjoys Long John Silver’s, but still!

The point is: it’s so, so, so disgustingly bad.

The movie starts with a bank robbery (just like every movie) and the robbers get stopped by a superhero.

That superhero’s name? G-Girl.

Here’s how that meeting probably went:
Exec 1: What should the super hero’s name be?
Exec 2: I don’t know, is it a girl?
Exec 1: Yep
Exec 2: What letter does the word ‘girl’ start with?
Exec 1: G
Exec 2: How ‘bout G-Girl?
Exec 1: Fine, let’s do some more meth and keep writing.
All of us: Ugh

I mean, I’m not an expert on naming things, but I would GO WITH THE NEXT CHOICE.

Anyway, an unwitting Luke Wilson helps this superhero, Uma Thurman, get her purse back after someone steals it on the subway. Classic girl stuff.

So she starts dating him that day because Prince Charming.

During dinner, she has to leave, though, because a missile (A MISSILE) is headed right for New York City because the TV IN THE NICE RESTAURANT they’re at says so.

And then that night or so, she’s so in love with Luke Wilson that they have sex RIGHT AWAY. But (and this is so terrible) they have sex so hard that she rams the bed INTO THE WALL and the wall breaks.

Ew. Seriously, Uma Thurman? You look totally weird all the time.

Anyway, Luke Wilson starts getting the idea that Uma Thurman is pretty CRAZY (aren’t they all, fellas? Right? HEY-O) so he kind of breaks up with her, but she stalks him with her

In one scene that rivals (maybe even beats) the ones I mentioned earlier, she throws a SHARK through his apartment window and the shark (INSTEAD OF DYING, LIKE ANY OTHER SHARK WOULD) goes after Luke Wilson and tries to bite and kill him, but the shark accidentally falls out the window.

And then all of these dumb things happen with Eddie Izzard and Anna Faris and others and anyway, Luke Wilson tries to fake reconcile with Uma Thurman, but only so he can sap her powers with a magic meteorite. So that happens and it turns out Anna Faris (the girl Luke Wilson really likes) gets superpowers, too, so Luke Wilson can still have wall-busting sex, without Uma Thurman’s crazy mucking everything up.

And the movie ends.

Oh my god, you guys. It was so bad. And not even like hilarious bad, just bad awful bad, bad, dumb, bad. AND BORING!

This movie is going to headline SNOREFEST 2K11 alongside Enya and an NBA game. It’s happening, and you’re invited.

I give it 5 out of 5 UMA’s.