Ask anything: Help, I’m so passive aggressive!

Story by The Spectator Staff

I am finding that whenever I am upset or annoyed by something my roommate does, I want to resort to drastic measures like spitting in stuff, damaging property or sticking his toothbrush down my pants. I haven’t actually done any of these yet, but I am getting dangerously close. Talk me down from the edge!

Well, first, when I think of drastic, I would think some sort of violent act, so you’re not quite there yet. Secondly, I’ve never thought of putting an enemy’s toothbrush down my pants, so thanks for that scheme.

As far as your concern, though, I’d say it’s time you took a chill pill (and no, I’m not referring to the 1993 album by Warrior Soul). I understand the things your roommate is doing are driving you mad, but we’re well over halfway until most leases end, and then you will be free from the tyrannical reign of your bad roommate.

Now, if things persist and just ignoring the problem doesn’t help you at all, I’d suggest countering the onslaught of annoyingness with a counterattack of your own. If you can’t be happy, then there’s no reason for your roommate to be.

Start playing bizarre world music and scream the poem Howl by Allen Ginsberg at the top of your lungs. If the roommate asks, tell him he’s just like ‘they’ are (if you play your cards right, you never have to explain who ‘they’ refers to).

Need another option? Next time it’s just you two in the living room, ask if your roommate ever has the desire to be naked. Then immediately strip down to nothing. It’d help your cause if you had an expletive or the numbers from LOST painted on your chest. Feel free to keep up this trend until your roommate looks into moving out.

Your last strategy, of course, would be giving up and moving out yourself. I’m not a big fan of quitters, but I understand sometimes it’s necessary. However, if you do need to move out, remember: if you keep a key, you can still try any of the earlier options whenever you’d like.