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Story by The Spectator staff

When starting class this week, I (as usual) found the cutest girl in the class and went to sit next to her. I chose a seat next to her and gave her a smile. Unfortunately, the gentleman on the other side of me had breath that smelled like he dunked onions in coffee and then vomited. The stench is becoming unbearable, but the girl seems to be enjoying my subtle and suave advances. What do I do to keep the girl and lose the odor?

I fear you are looking at this situation in entirely the wrong way! This smelly gentleman may very well become the uniting force that allows your innocent flirtations to flourish and grow into true love. This rancid smell gives you an instant conversation piece as well as a common crisis that you can overcome together. Common adversaries always create strong bonds between two people, no matter how unlikely the friendship is. Facing a shared trial is a great way to establish a lasting relationship with this woman.

Not only will enduring the stench of the stinky man provide a great bonding opportunity, it will also create a situation in which you always look awesome by comparison. Under normal circumstances, even the best of men might not have a chance of winning this girl’s heart. However, when she measures you against Mr. Stink, you have the clear advantage! She will also probably never find your scent unappealing because there is an infinitely more displeasing scent to compare you to.

To make the most of this situation, take every opportunity to “team up” with this girl against the stink. Without being overly cruel, you could suggest that the two of you begin a tradition of taking turns bringing a nice-smelling cologne or perfume to class and deviously spraying the area before Mr. Stink arrives.

Whatever you do, keep the smelly man close until you are sure your relationship with the girl is firmly established. He is the key to winning her heart. Don’t ditch the odor – embrace it!