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The Worst, Most Despicable Movies You’ve Ever Seen: “Black Knight”

The Worst, Most Despicable Movies You’ve Ever Seen: “Black Knight”

You guys, I like to live in the here and now. I get my daily dose of current events, listen to my iPod through the tape deck in my van and I think I have a pair of sunglasses lying around here somewhere. Suffice it to say, I am a functioning 21st century human being.

Being young adults in the Information Age, fluent in txt and dripping with eHormones, it might be weird for some of us to hear about the Middle Ages. I mean, do you guys know what a sword is?

It’s complicated!

Just know that when you watch “Black Knight,” you don’t have to be weirded out by the references because either way, you’ll end up crying in pile of Blazin’ Buffalo Doritos wondering where your life is going.

The movie starts with three to five men wearing clown masks cleverly using unrealistic technology to rob Gotham City’s largest bank. Then as the clerks are being held up, each of the clown robbers take the others out to secure more share of the larger money loot, but then The Joker arrives on a bus and kills all of them and takes the rest of the money!

I WISH! This one’s on you, Netflix. Also, Amazon has instant streaming now, so watch your back.

Here’s what actually happens in Black Knight (I’m sorry): Martin Lawrence accidentally goes back in time to the Middle Ages where he aggressively presses late-’90s culture on everyone there, and it’s super awkward for them, but WHO CARES (right, America?)?

Oh glory, this movie is so bad, you guys.

Here’s why: I’m not totally convinced that Martin Lawrence ever knew that he had gone back in time! The whole time, and I mean THE WHOLE TIME, he kept being a dumb idiot and asking these Medieval people if they knew who Shaq was. SHAQ, you guys! Shaquille O’Neal, the basketball player / star of Kazaam (a classic, where Shaq is a genie who raps all of his dialogue).

I mean, I don’t know what he was expecting.

“Sure, Martin Lawrence! SHAQ! Shaquille O’Neal, the basketball player / star of Kazaam, that classic where Shaq is a genie who raps all of his dialogue! Yeah, sure (please leave us alone)! ”
–Martin Lawrence’s dumb idea of a typical Medieval person

There are few other really cool, awesome, radical ’90s things that happen. For example, Martin Lawrence always calls this girl his “bun,” which is kind of like saying, ‘I like you, but by calling you this awful thing, I clearly care nothing for you. Now, leave before I call the cops.’

Plus, there’s a lot of pooping and farting and burping, and Medieval dudes getting their heads/mouths shoved in piles of poop. It’s a lot like Big Momma’s House. Wait, DID I WATCH BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE? Is it safe to assume that that happens in Big Momma’s House? Did they make three of those? Is any of this right?

There were as many poop jokes as there were Shaq references as there are different species of fish in the world.

Here’s something cool: In the middle of the movie, when the king demands a song, Martin Lawrence teaches the court’s chamber musicians to play “Dance to the Music” by Sly & the Family Stone. Dumb, so dumb, so so so dumb. Impossible, dumb dumb dumb.

But the worst of all is the end of the movie. Martin Lawrence trips and falls into ANOTHER TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM where he’s in the middle of a Roman Coliseum and he has lions pitted on him. THEN THE MOVIE ENDS just as Martin Lawrence’s film career was about to take off.

What a non-disappointing non-turn of non-events.

Now, it would be really easy to blame Martin Lawrence for making this terrible diaperful of a movie, so I will do that and let you live your life in peace and harmony.

I give it 5 out of 5 “BUN”s

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