David Taintor

Dear Ask Anything,
I have these totally awesome slippers that I love to wear – my favorite pair, but I lost one of them the other day. For a while I walked around with just one, but walking at a slope started to wear on me. Then I tried just using another slipper in its place, but nothing compares in comfort to my favorite pair. By the way, they are Homer Simpson slippers, you know, the ones where you put your foot in his mouth. Finding another righty will be incredibly hard. What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
Mono Slipper

Dear Slipper,

I am the queen of losing things, especially when they come in pairs. My problem mainly focuses on socks and shoes, close relatives to your slippers. I lose my favorite going-out shoes like it’s nobody’s business. Since I’ve been in college, I’ve come up with a few theories as to why I lose my shoes. First, I have a bed that likes to eat things when I put stuff underneath it. Second, when I come home from the bars I find it fun to hide my shoes and not remember doing so the next morning. Finally, when I was walking home from Water Street, I thought it necessary to give my shoes and socks away to a homeless person – I’m really nice like that.

I’m guessing that you don’t wear your slippers out to the bars or parties and have simply misplaced them in your room, house or apartment, so the last two theories of mine really shouldn’t apply, but my theory of the bed eating things should. If your bed is like my bed, there are a hundred million things underneath it. Things school related, garbage related, clothes related and of course, foot related. After perusing underneath my bed I have now discovered my bed has now eaten one of my favorite Adidas sandals. When I have more time to really do a full-blown search I’ll try to find it. My advice to you is search underneath your bed first. Search every single teeny-tiny, dust-filled corner and if after that you can’t find them, search all of the other cluttered spaces, like underneath your desk and inside your closet.

If after all of that looking you still can’t find your other Homer, ask your roommates to look through the rest of your house and then if not found, use your left slipper as a sleeping buddy – but wash it first, it’s probably really smelly from your feet.

Now I know what you must be feeling; you’re heartbroken and also feel like someone has just kicked you in the you- know-what. But, it’s OK, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The light I’m talking about is the shopping. Do you realize how many other awesome character slippers there are out there? Hundreds, maybe thousands, even millions! Could you imagine a pair of Dwight K. Schrute slippers? Or a pair of Mario Brothers slippers, where one foot is Mario and the other Luigi? The options are endless. But when you find your next love of a slipper, try putting some Velcro on them so you can stick them together and designate a special spot for them where you know they won’t get lost. Otherwise, you’ll most likely lose one of them again, or even worse, both of them.

Dear Ask Anything,
I don’t have any sheets on my bed and my roommates keep giving me a really hard time about it. They say there is no chance any girls will ever stay in my bed again, but I mean, it’s only been two and a half years. I love the crazy design on my mattress and I don’t understand how ladies wouldn’t too. Seriously, does me not having sheets really have anything to do with it? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Without Sheets

Dear Sheets,

Two and a half years without sheets on your bed and no ladies? Wow, who would have thought? So weird . oh wait, NOT! Come on, you’re in college now, where girls expect a little more than a soft spot to lie down on. Most girls want to feel like they’re respected, and at the very least having sheets on your bed would show some sort of respect. Also, having sheets on your bed provides a sense of cleanliness. I don’t know what you do in your bed, but I’m guessing it’s what most boys in college do . I’ll leave it at that and you can use your imagination. I’m going to guess the first step the girls who have been in your room took sent them running from the skunky fumes coming from your bed. It’s much easier to wash sheets than it is a mattress. I wouldn’t even know how to go about washing a mattress. You’d probably have to tie it up on top of your car and take it through a car wash or something – yeah, way too much work.

The crazy design on your mattress I bet is pretty sweet, but I bet you can find even sweeter designs and colors on sheets. Growing up, my brother had some MLB sheets with all of the baseball teams in the league on them. I enjoy boys who have a sense of humor, so anything that reflects your sense of humor would be cute to see on your sheets. Check out the Internet, there have to be many options you could choose from to really represent you and your humor. Another option is creating your own design on your sheets if you really wanted to. In high school I had to take an art class senior year to fill up my credits and ended up tie-dying some bed sheets. I would say if you’re a little bit of a hippie this might be the best option for cool designs. All you would need is some white cotton sheets and your favorite colors of dye. The only warning I’m going to give you with the tie-dying is that the dye may wipe off on you – so if you like smurfs and aspire to look like one, dye the sheets with some blue in them.

Bottom line: sheets equal ladies. It’s that simple. Without sheets on your bed you better hope they all invite you over to their places or buy some really amazing smelling cologne to disguise the nasty bed smells.