Lyssa Beyer

Dear Ask Anything,
All my friends are going to really cool destinations for Spring Break. I am too poor to go anywhere, so do you have any ideas for ways to create my own tropical week here in Eau Claire?
Sincerely,
I just want to be tan

Dear Tan Wannabe,
I suppose going to a tanning salon just won’t work for you huh, Tan? Personally, I plan on getting a bunch of minutes at all of Eau Claire’s finest tanning places, and then choosing the best one to endorse in some of my Ask Anything columns whenever tanning salons are ever brought up. Anywho.

I would say you could go to a movie that has a hot place as its setting and test the escape reality theory. But unfortunately, the only film that could do that for you is “Fool’s Gold,” which may look like it has Oscar written all over it, but believe me will have you wanting to get as far away from any tropical paradise as fast as possible out of fear that a horrendous plot will be there to join you.

I do however spend quite a bit of time in outlet stores, such as Big Lots or that one card shop by the movie theatre whose name escapes me at the moment. The point is, what these two places and others like it have in common is the ever so popular dollar beach sets. Yes, they include unisex coconut bras, unisex grass skirts, blow up palm trees, and of course, and most importantly, cups that look like the ones used by cabana boys.

Dear Ask Anything,
I have heard my professors mentioning mid-terms a lot and I just don’t care. How can I tell them thanks, but no thanks.
Sincerely,
Unmotivated

Dear Unmotivated,
My initial thought is to ask you how on earth you don’t care. I care a great deal when my professors begin to mention midterms. Why you ask? The fact of the matter is they never happen when they are supposed to according to the syllabus. And lest we forget that the professors usually create this talk shortly after their mandatory all staff meeting to plan out midterms occurring the exact same day for every single class.

Then I am forced to wonder if you don’t care, why the heck are you in college? Is it that you don’t care about mid terms in general, or that you don’t care to hear the professors talk about them? And if you don’t care to hear about them, but take them regardless, how is it that you don’t care to hear what they have to say when they pretty much are telling you what is going to be on them? And again, if you don’t care to hear about midterms why are you here? And you don’t care about midterms . why are you here?

As far as telling them thanks, but no thanks, there is a lot of languages to choose from in order to get your message across. But really, unless you speak English to an English professor or Spanish to a Spanish professor, intermingling the languages likely won’t get you anywhere. Best case scenario, you do what my dad always tells me to do, and that’s speak your mind and tell the truth.

This week’s featured columnist is: Scott Hansen
Send questions to Hibbard 108 or [email protected]