I was at work when it happened. The radio was on because I forgot my CDs at home and Nancy Drew’s older brother, Carson Daly, who, in my humble opinion, is the worst thing to happen to pop culture since slap-bracelets, was going on about some Internet search garbage.

First off, I will defend my dislike for Mr. Daly. Have you seen his show? If you haven’t, it consists of him fumbling over his words and telling garbage jokes he immediately follows with, “that was a joke.

It’s funny, get it? I’m Carson Daly, I was in that one Pepsi ad with P. Diddy. I’m funny. No seriously, I’m funny.”

I always turn it off before I start feeling bad for him. Anyway, he was babbling about some top Internet search thing when he mentioned that Ryan Adams was at the top of the list for this week.

Being the ridiculously huge Ryan Adams fan I am, I was interested to hear what se¤or poop-face had to say about him.

My excitement went totally flaccid instantaneously.

What fell out of his mouth was the most crushing news I have ever heard. “Apparently Ryan Adams and Lindsay Lohan are an item.”
A tear slowly began to well under my left eye, which eventually ran down my cheek and hit the floor. Part of me died that day, (actually, it died when I Googled it at home later that night).

It was as if someone had come up to me and said that Chuck Norris didn’t bleed nails, bullets, shrapnel and barbed wire, and that the blood of mere mortals flowed through his veins (Thank God that isn’t true. And plus, that wouldn’t even make sense cause his veins are made from pieces of the Alaskan Pipeline). I just felt betrayed by the whole deal.

Ryan and I had a few good years and then he pulls this garbage on me. He goes from dating Parker Posey to Lindsay friggin’ Lohan? That is like me switching my shoes from Air Jordans to British Knights.

Some will say, “Steve, you are taking this way too seriously.” I say, nay. I will put this situation into terms most silly-hearted Americans would understand (not you guys, people outside this campus).

Let us just say that, for the sake of argument, your favorite musical artist is the Black Eyed Peas. To take this even further, you just can’t get enough of that turd Fergie. Out of nowhere you see an article in some magazine that people who listen to garbage music read, and to your surprise she is dating some dude like Johnny Depp. This would just make no sense to you.

I mean, he is attractive, intelligent, talented, independent, wealthy, a free-thinker and provocative – everything that she isn’t. She is going against everything totally lame and weak that she stands for.

Opposites attract? Yes. They are called magnets and cannot be correlated with anything that has to do with human relationships. You feel me? And if you do, you know it hurts.

Poor celebrity relationship choices are detrimental to your career. Ryan, if you are reading this, I have two words for you.

Actually it was four words, combined into two, but later formed into one: Bennifer.

Look at the facts here. Ever since Ben Affleck dated Jennifer Lopez his career has gone down the proverbial crapper. He wouldn’t know a good script if it humped his leg. I am pleading to you as your biggest fan, sober up and get out of this one as fast as you can.

I am sorry I didn’t offer any new music tips this week, but I just had to get this off my chest.

Thanks for the open ear – I can always count on you. I can sleep tight knowing Ryan Adams will be OK. After all, you are what you eat, not who you date. By the time I finish this sentence, she will probably be snorting cocaine and making out with some other celebrity 15 years her senior, which is good news for me.

Sorensen is a senior advertising major and a weekly columnist for The Spectator.