Last week’s edition of Sports Illustrated included a short article on Goran Ivanesivic having to serve in the Croatian army. It seems that Croatia has a mandatory military stint for its citizens.

This made me ponder the question of “what if?” What if the United States also required its citizens to serve in the military? I will not go into whether we should have that law. That’s not a fun topic. However athletes having to serve is.

When the United States had to enact the draft to have enough people to fight in one of the big wars, sports figures served.

Many people know of Muhammad Ali’s story. He decided that he would not fight. He had to spend time in jail because of that decision.

However there have been sports figures that have served, many in the prime of their careers. Usually when these athletes served, they were little more than figureheads, entertainers.

They did have to go through bootcamp though. I have also gone through bootcamp and attest in the difficulty of it. You never get one moment of privacy, you barely get any sleep at night, the food is horrible and you barely get time to eat it, you are constantly beat up from all the physical exertion you have to endure.

There have been athletes that have recently tried to endure bootcamp. About five years ago, former boxing heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe joined the Marines. He said it was a lifelong dream of his and he wanted to see if he could endure it.

About a week after joining, he abruptly quit. Apparently his life had been too plush for him to endure the torture of bootcamp. He had his agent come pick him up so he could nurse his wounds and cry on someone’s shoulder over the injustice he had to endure.

I, for one, was kind of surprised about this. Sure it’s interesting that one of the supposed toughest men on the planet couldn’t take more than a week of bootcamp.

What surprised me, though, was the fact that he was allowed to join at all. If you have over a certain amount of money, you are not supposed to be able to join. The military has strict rules about its people being financially destitute. Riddick Bowe was definitely not financially destitute.

I supposed an exception was made in his case. Then he had the audacity to quit a week into his obligation. I also had wanted to quit but unfortunately was not allowed to do so.

The athletes in Croatia are not allowed to walk out on their duties. Let’s suppose that the American athletes also would not be allowed to do so.

The first athlete I would want to see in the military is Dennis Rodman. His bootcamp instructor would have a field day with him.

Rodman’s green, red, blue, purple, spotted, checked, whatever else hair would be quickly shaved off. The earrings, noserings, liprings and all other rings would be taken out, hopefully with a pair of pliers. I’m assuming that Rodman would not find an opportunity to wear a veil like when he married himself either.

Another athlete I’d like to see in the military is Mike Tyson. I’m hoping he would be smart enough not to bite any parts off of his instructors.

He has taken a lot of shots to the head over the years though. Homer Simpson is proof of what can happen when you get hit in the head once too many. He is not exactly the smartest cartoon character.

If Tyson was dumb enough to bite one of his instructors, I guarantee he would be in a lot of trouble. He would probably have to go through k.p. for a month.

A third athlete I would love to see go through bootcamp is Randy Moss. Moss has gone on record saying he only performs when he wants to. I bet in bootcamp he wouldn’t have that option. He would have to perform 24/7 or suffer the consequences.

I’m not talking about having to listen to Dennis Green whine and beg him to save his job once again either. He would have a big, intimidating man get in his face. The instructor would get in his face, and with spittle flying, give Moss the butt chewing he deserves.

Considering the space left in this column, I will briefly name a few other people that should be forced to endure bootcamp and the military.

Some of them are Michael Jordan, who needs to work on his selfishness, Allen Iverson and Nick VanExel, who need to learn to stop whining and just accept what they have to go through, and Tiger Woods because he has to learn he can’t be perfect at everything.

Dan Issel needs to go through accelerated bootcamp to learn that he can’t do things, like use racial slurs, and get away with it.

If Russia also had compulsory military duty, then that would mean that Anna Kournikova would have to serve. I love this country and everything but I would defect in a second to live in close proximity to her for two months. Besides she needs someone to help her make it through doesn’t she? I’m perfect for the role.