Ask Anything

David Taintor

Dear Ask Anything,
I met the most amazing girl ever last weekend through one of my friends, the only problem is that she’s dating this friend of mine. He treats her like crap, and she never expects an apology from him. I was with her all this weekend because he was treating her so bad. Now I’m in a fight with my friend because I wouldn’t let his girlfriend talk to him this weekend, and now I think she’s a little creeped out. Honestly, I just want her to dump this guy for her own happiness, not so I can get with her, although that would be desirable. What should I do to get her to leave this guy?

Concerned “friend”

Dear Intrusive Weird Guy Who Should Mind His Own Business,
Oooookaaaaaaay . this is one of those situations where you need to let the lion lie there. Don’t walk up to it, don’t pull its tail, don’t try riding it – it’s a freaking lion! Yes, you met an amazing girl, and you want the best for her. But you clearly missed all of those little checkpoints in a friendship or relationship that build trust and allow other people’s business to become your own. You’re a stranger walking on egg shells. Be careful! Already you’re fighting with your friend about the situation, and you said it yourself, you creeped her out. If you keep going down that road, don’t expect Candyland and things to go your way. I already mentioned the lion, right?

Here’s some advice: try actually getting to know the girl and find out what their relationship is like. Oftentimes things are better than they look from an outsider’s perspective. What might appear as awful treatment to you might actually be something very real for them. Or, for all you know, your friend is hung like a horse, and that’s all she cares about.

But if I’m totally wrong and you’re on the right track, then just show her what it’s like to be treated right, and get all chick-flick on her. Maybe your story together is en route to being the next script for a made-for-TV Disney movie or one of those bad movies 12-year-olds go see at the mall. Oh, how cute.

Dear Ask Anything,
On Saturday night, my roommates threw an insanely large birthday party for our friend. I was fine with it, as long as everyone stayed in the basement, but I knew that would be an impossibly difficult task to manage. Anyway, our house is now trashed. We don’t know where to begin with the clean-up process. There’s beer and wop spilled on every inch of the floors, a broken window with all of the glass, of course, on the inside of the house and an unknown substance in the corner of the kitchen, which could potentially be a bio hazard. Where do I start, and how do I convince my roommates to help me?

Bio-hazard house

Dear Bio-hazard,
Yikes! Well, given that it’s now Thursday, I hope you have everything cleaned up . or at least have started and gotten rid of the main stuff. Cleaning up is always a long, drawn-out process for my roommates and me. We like to bum around long enough to mostly get over our hangovers before we start cleaning. Here’s what we do.

1) Put on flip-flops. You don’t want to ruin your socks or gross yourself out by walking around the house through the muck and layered coats of something sticky. You don’t want your bare skin to touch the skunky beer, spilled wop, the likely vomit and whatever is in the corner. This is something I learned right away while cleaning up one morning when I stepped in the shower. Apparently someone made their way up to our bathroom and felt it was necessary to not only pour beer everywhere, but also take a duce in our bathtub. This leads me to my next point.

2) Always look where you step – even with flip-flops on.

3) Depending on the number of roommates you have, cleaning is easier when you tackle different things at a time. So break the cleaning chores down into groups.

4) If you’re the only one that feels like cleaning, don’t do everything. You’ll quickly learn that your roommates will take advantage of you that way, and the party frequency will shoot up like a freshman at Higherground for his first time.

If your roommates ignore the job at hand, you can always take my roommate’s approach. Take things that each roommate should do and dump it in his bed – this mainly goes for dishes though. If you ignore it after doing your part, one of them is bound to crack and finally chip in.

If it were me, I’d do more work than necessary just so I wouldn’t have to touch the thing in the corner. The “well I just spent 45 minutes cleaning, I’m not doing that!” approach works really well and will guilt them into doing it for you.

Knox is a senior print journalism major and sports editor of The Spectator.