Ask Anything

David Taintor

Dear Ask Anything,
I have a kind of odd problem with one of my roommates, and it happens every time he gets drunk. It’s just that for some reason whenever he becomes under the influence of alcohol, he needs to hook up with a girl.

If he goes to a party and can’t bring home a girl, he’ll go to another party to try and find one. After he hits up every party in Eau Claire and still can’t bring someone back he starts going through his contacts. He’ll call anyone. Seriously. He always ends up regretting it in the morning when he realizes how far he stooped. How can I get him to stop?

Sincerely,
Stop Do-Me Roomy

Dear Roomy,
In my extensive subconscious research with relationships and communication, I have never come across this case in regards to a roommate. No, the tendency to achieve such rock-bottom drunken horniness has not affected my friends – it’s hit me. In my sophomore year, a time as low as Bush’s approval ratings, I discovered a few instrumental ideas, or tactics, for overcoming my alter ego’s gag-worthy trophies.

This would be an easy fix if it were the beginning stages of his change. However, since he is beyond petty resolutions like setting drink limits or taking his phone; he is what I call a “JV Jock” or a “B-Team Player” – his stats are poor, he’s not the first, or even 12th, pick; but through desperate work, he somehow runs the bases and scores due to an error.

He won’t stop until he’s in a relationship, gets someone pregnant or contracts something. So drastic and creative measures are necessary here to convince him of one, or even better, all, of these things. Try convincing one of his recent victims to snag a Facebook status change if possible.

Tell her to break it off later when he shows improvement and if she still doesn’t mind. Or for a laugh on your end, put some lip plumper or some jalapeno juice on the inside of his condoms using a syringe.

This risky, and hilarious, approach may scare him to a doctor or ease up in late-night vigor.

If all else fails, ask a lawyer for copies of official documents for child support as a joke. Even though it was a mistake, I got these papers once and was scared stiff – or, subject appropriate, scared limp.

Dear Ask Anything,
I’m the captain of an intramural basketball team and I need to get my roster ready. My team is pretty serious and we really want to win the Wednesday night title, but this one kid is really holding us back. He always insists I not only let him on the team, but that he gets plenty of playing time. That would be fine except every time he shoots it goes over the backboard, and every time he dribbles it goes off his foot. Everyone else on the team really wants him gone, but he’s such a nice guy and incredibly persistent about playing. How should I deal with this?

Sincerely,
Wannabe Winner

Dear Winner,
Now, I’m going to assume that you’ve tried a passive-aggressive approach and lied about game times, setting him up with less attractive girlfriends and “accidentally” kicking his knee out during a warm-up.

Assuming that, I must tell you something, a pussyfooted people pleaser never actually wins anything! For memorization ease, write this down now, “Get balls and win!”

It’s as simple as that. Conveniently enough for you, this simple phrase can help you through anything from class participation for the extra credit you desperately need, to asking that long-time brunette friend of yours out for something more than study time and coffee, to changing from a sack-less team captain into a stereotypical business major.

Get balls and win, son! Confront that sorry bloke and tell him he’s not going to play unless you break your neck.

For your sake, you may want to go out for drinks, and after he’s had a few, break the news in a subtle way – or take a 180 and curse him out at the bar after you’ve had a few.

But we’re Midwesterners, we’re too nice, right? So e-mail or text him something about the best players statistically playing the first half and using him later, keep saying later until the last worthless minute or two.

Get balls and win! If you can’t summon the business major within you, and you’re forced to let him play, just don’t give him the ball – ever! G.B.A.W.