Ask Anything

David Taintor

Dear Ask Anything,
I have this friend who has had a lot of surgeries on his knee – all sports-related. He thinks this makes him “baller” and the ultimate athlete. He uses the word “baller” to describe himself incessantly. I’m sorry, but constantly bragging about the last time you changed your surgical wrap – or the last time you fell down a flight of stairs because your knee gave out – does not make you “baller.” It’s embarrassing walking into Hibbard each day watching him try to trip himself up the stairs. It’s as if he likes the attention he receives from people giggling at him for being too inept to carefully calculate the height of each step. He’s been my friend for a while, and I feel like I should say something to him so he stops this nonsense. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Ballin’ out

Dear Ballin’,
I have heard the term “baller” used a lot in songs, jokes and by friends, such as yours. I looked up the term on the Urban Dictionary Web site, and apparently “baller” has 59 definitions! I’ll enlighten you all with the first six because 59 is borderline ridiculous, but only borderline.

First definition: a baller is someone who is really good at playing basketball and can move fluidly and with intent, can lead and also work well with his team; 2.) someone who’s got money and bi***es; 3.) any person who makes everything they do and everyone they hang with look fly; 4.) a guy with a lot of money and a nice car; 5). someone amazingly cool; 6.) the act of being fly or cool.

I’m going to guess that your friend is equally as cool as the people who wrote these definitions, which might make him a baller compared to them. But by the sound of these definitions, to be a baller is ultimately to be cool, and that is something your friend definitely is the opposite of.

Whenever my friends repeatedly make fools of themselves, I tell them I’m going to tape-record them someday. Usually this threat calms down their ridiculous behaviors, but some don’t get the picture until it’s on tape. What I suggest to you is to forget the telling part and go straight to the recording. Check out a camera from the library and tell him you’re carrying around a camera that day due to a class project about Hibbard. When the footage is documented, load it up onto a computer with editing software and let loose. Add some music that highlights his special moments. If he resembles a bird calling out during mating season, find some sweet clip of it on YouTube and edit it into the presentation so he can see the comparison. Seeing oneself from the audience position should send a wake-up call and move him toward at least normal behavior.

If that private showing fails, publicize it. Try showing it in the TV lounge in Davies, and expand to making it a feature they show at the University Activities Center. I’m sure our movie reviewer, Scott Hansen, would give it wonderful reviews and solidify that your friend is, in fact, a huge tool who needs to change his ways.

Dear Ask Anything,
One of my friends recently became involved with this guy who I really can’t stand. Actually, none of our friends can stand him. He’s obsessed with hunting, has numerous deer heads in his house, wears camouflage out to parties and knows every line to the Transformer’s movie. What’s worse is that she was pulled in by him through his duck caller. He was trying to get any girl to blow on his duck caller, if you know what I mean, and my poor friend fell for it. He thinks he’s the man, and my friend is willing to look past all of his obvious flaws. How can I get her to wake up and realize that the cute, French student is way more appealing than her current interest?

Sincerely,
Hick hunter

Dear Hunter,
Allow me to tell you a story about a couple I knew back in high school. For privacy sake and because half of my graduating high school class goes here, I’ll change the names. Also, since Wisconsin Rapids is just like the TV show, “The Hills,” we’ll use names from that show.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Heidi. Heidi was a little social butterfly at her school and had a million things going for her. One thing she didn’t have going for her however, was her infatuation with Spencer. Spencer didn’t really act like he liked Heidi, and he treated her poorly in public. He also wasn’t the sharpest and well-groomed tool in the shed. Spencer didn’t shower, Spencer was incapable of creating complete sentences when he spoke, Spencer didn’t make any money whatsoever, and he was also one of the biggest pansies ever! Heidi ended up going to prom with Spencer, and their little situation developed further. Heidi’s amazing friends – let’s call them Lauren, Audrina, Whitney and Lo – despised Spencer and needed to take matters into their own hands.

The girls formulated a plan to knock some sense into Heidi and decided upon an intervention called, “Operation Take A Shower,” since Spencer never showered . ever! Unfortunately, the girls waited a day too long because the morning of the planned intervention, Heidi came running up to her friends in the cafeteria to tell them that she and Spencer were officially an item.

Spencer and Heidi were together for about three years, and let me tell you, those three years weren’t the best. Spencer mooched off Heidi’s hard-earned money, cheated on her, caused her to lose contact with all of her awesome girlfriends and even convinced her to transfer colleges to be closer to him. Eventually, Heidi came to her senses and broke up with the fool, but the damage had been done. She lost her friends, was broke and had a funky stench on her from Spencer’s poor

hygiene.

My point is to show you that if you don’t act right away, your friend will be lost to the hick side and may develop an odor problem. She’ll start to say “get ‘er done” and other mind-numbing hick phrases.

Get a group of your closest friends together and talk your friend out of liking this guy. I don’t care what it takes. If a girl pretending to hit on him and documenting it is what it boils down to, by all means do it! Otherwise, conduct the intervention that my friends and I were unable to follow through on. You can call it, “Operation Date A French Guy.” Heck, bring the French guy to the intervention to show her what she’s missing out on. You can even make some french toast and french fries as snacks to really hit the message home. If you are that concerned that the guy she’s seeing isn’t all he’s “duck-called” out to be, tell her straight out. We need to stop all of “the man’s” out there and show them they’re mere sitting ducks in a pond of hungry, hungry hunters.