Ask Anything

Renee Rosenow

Dear Ask Anything,

I’ve been drinking too much coffee lately. I average about five cups a day. If I don’t, I walk around like a zombie. How can I get the same energy without spending $5 for my grande, extra whipped caramel mocha latte?

Sincerely,
More Mocha

Dear Mocha,

After all that coffee, I’m surprised you aren’t shaking like Tweak on South Park. But really, that’ll be a good thing once the end of the world comes, signaled of course by the resurgence of a zombie army. When that happens, make sure to go cold turkey for a couple days in seclusion in a room on the third or fourth floor of the library. Why the library? Well, most of those rooms are pretty sound proof so you can practice groaning “brains!” without too much zombie trouble, and in case you go through withdrawals, you can scream bloody murder without anyone hearing you.

Your other option would be to go on the black market and pick up some caffeine pills, so it’s easier to mask your drug addiction by simply popping them between classes in the bathroom. If you don’t like the black market, I would recommend Wal-Mart or Target, but be careful because Wal-Mart likes to card you for things other than alcohol. This includes cough medicine, rubber cement and White-Out. I can testify to this because I bought the latter two on my 18th birthday and they carefully described to me in great detail how children could get high off of glue and White-Out. Sounds like a reasonable thing to do to someone before you card them. I really wish I was kidding.

Either way, you’ll be able to enjoy the satisfaction that you’ll be the only zombie to win in a Thriller dance off, provided they don’t pull a Weekend at Bernie’s 2 and immediately break into dance at the first note of a song.

Dear Ask Anything,

I moved into a new apartment this year, but everything is going wrong! Hinges are falling off doors, the heater doesn’t work and my landlord is nowhere to be found. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Troubled Tenant

Dear Tenant,

Throw in the standard slightly-slanted floor featured in every college house, and you’ve got a gold standard for quality living. Most things can be fixed with a proper application of name-brand duct tape, but I think what you need to do is refuse to pay rent until everything is fixed. Then, prepare yourself for a Waco-like seclusion as the landlord comes to collect.

Make sure you make your demands more radical as you gain more and more publicity. Just to show everyone you’re serious, set up turrets behind each window and have your roommates or friends stand watch with automatic or semi-automatic paintball and airsoft guns. Once the landlord realizes how silly someone looks with paint all over them, they’ll be forced to accommodate your crazy demands of a reasonably warm house, working appliances and aesthetically pleasing doors.

Given my proven track record in Call of Duty 4 with a wide array of military guns, I would be more than qualified to help you out as long as I get the gun with the vomit colored paintballs so I can make the landlord look mildly intoxicated with greenish liquid on their front side. Of course, the downside to this solution is eviction and homelessness, but as long as you prove your point, you might have a case in court and could basically sue. I’m not sure what you would sue for off the top of my head, but given the fact that I could sue McDonald’s for making food with grease that’s too hot, I think you just need to show up to win.