Ask Anything

Renee Rosenow

Dear Ask Anything,

I can’t seem to wake up in time for class. I set my alarm each morning, but I keep hitting the snooze button until noon. I have only made it to five of my lectures so far. How can I change my life around and make it to class on time?

Sincerely,
Sound Sleeper

Dear Sound,

As someone who sets his phone’s snooze to unlimited increments of five minutes, I would be the worst person in the world to talk about this to. However, I did find something that works for the short term.

First, set your alarm for 15 minutes before your class starts. Then, enjoy the panic of waking up late without actually being late. I guarantee your morning will start with a good bowl of swear words topped with exhaustion from running all over the place. It’ll at least make you more efficient with less time.

I had to stop this because it turned me hyper-neurotic, easily startled and extremely irritated with the everyday quips of the human race. Well, that last one was there already; the alarm clock acted like a good steroid and beefed up my irritation like I was Sammy Sosa, circa 1998 to 2002. The only difference is that I couldn’t figure out how to cork a clock, I don’t hop every time I hit a lazy pop-up, and I wouldn’t tell Congress I speak limited English, even though I’ve been documented speaking very fluently to many American newspapers over the course of my career. Now ask me how I really feel.

Another option to consider would be the “don’t schedule any classes before 11 a.m. even if you need that class” rule. I’ve never had an 8 a.m. and this semester, two days I start at 11 a.m. and three I start at noon. I haven’t had a problem getting up and yes, I’m getting done in four years, which obviously proves it could work for you. The rewards for such scheduling include only having to take six credits in your last semester, allowing you to take three physical education classes. Yeah, my schedule next semester is going to be pretty brutal.

Give both of these a try and you might only unintentionally miss three classes. As for the intentional ones, that’s all on you.

Dear Ask Anything,

Now that fall is in full swing, I have been meaning to enjoy all my favorite autumn activities – carving pumpkins, jumping into piles of leaves and bobbing for apples. Is it totally lame for a senior in college to still engage in these activities?

Sincerely,
Trick or Treat

Dear Trick,

Yes, unless you enjoy the nice cool, moist feeling of slugs making their way up your sleeve or pants seeking warmth like little land leeches. Alliteration aside, and speaking of the word moist, I’ve met at least three girls that can’t stand the sound of it, so I try breaking it out as much as possible in conversation. You can imagine how I am in social situations just from that little nugget of information.

But in all honesty, fall is the best season and this past week has pretty much proved it. You don’t sweat just leisurely walking to class, professional and college football starts, drinking all day on the weekends becomes a constant staple, baseball becomes much more relevant to everyone and I’m just gushing because the Brewers finally made the playoffs.

Anyways, of all the seasons, fall has easily produced the best movie titles. “October Sky,” “The Hunt for Red October,” all the “Halloween” movies and the No. 1 movie ever, “Autumn in New York,” are the first ones that come to mind. Some may say winter is the best, but try finding a Christmas, or for you politically correct people out there, holiday movie, that doesn’t use the words snow, Christmas, Jesus, winter or wonderland. Good luck.

Honestly, after experiencing five glorious falls working on a farm waving my arm like a third base coach directing people where to park, I’ve seen enough fall frenzy to last me a lifetime. Most of this consisted of having people stop and ask where they had to park, even though I was doing the aforementioned task, people yelling at me because they couldn’t park in a handicap spot even though they “were just getting six apples” and constant questions as to where the corn maze was even though a huge sign reading “Corn Maze This Way” was posted 20 feet behind them.

Combine that with my experiences restocking beer fielding questions pertaining to where the Miller Lite was in the Woodman’s East, even though there was a large NASCAR sign for the beer taking up at least a quarter of the wall, are probably the two things I’ll remember from both of those jobs that will always, always be funny. Another involves the classic pizza delivery clause, where the customer realizes there’s a tip loophole in paying with a credit card because you don’t have to ask for change back and you can just say you have a tip ready at home. I’m starting to think everywhere I’ve worked has turned my life more and more Seinfeld-esque. Just enjoy the fall, and who cares what anyone, other than me, thinks.