Ask Anything

Lyssa Beyer

Dear Ask Anything,
I really want a pet panda bear. I’ve heard it’s illegal, but I’m willing to risk it so I can have my very own snugly, cuddly, absolutely adorable bear. My only problem – where can I find one and how can I make it love me like its own mother?
The Future Mother of Oreo

Dear Future Mother of Oreo,
The underground railroad was illegal, but that didn’t stop people from doing it – so it shouldn’t stop you from housing a panda bear. Being an endangered species, pandas are in dire need of someone to offer them love and a chance to survive. The cool part would be if you could have a momma panda and a papa panda, and build a panda family. Then you’d be one step closer to saving the world.

How does having more pandas on the planet save the world? Well, their diet consists of mainly bamboo, and we all know the dangers of bamboo. So, with pandas around, bamboo won’t take over the world. Think of them like spiders – spiders eat annoying bugs and make our planet more enjoyable. Pandas are also cute to look at.

But before you bring your panda home, make sure you panda-proof your house. First, don’t even think about having any sort of decoration made of bamboo. Oreo is going to eat it. The second step is to build a huge jungle room in your house for Oreo to play in. Without a proper habitat, he will not survive.
After that, the only thing missing is the bear itself.

So, fly to China. Bring a tracking dog with you. You’ll need him to track down your very own panda bear. Before you leave, be sure to buy a strong sedative. You’ll need this to put the panda bear under while he’s on the plane. Then, stuff him in your suitcase and convince airport security he is a stuffed animal for your nephew. It shouldn’t be that hard. If you don’t like that idea, you can try to kidnap a panda from a zoo – but I’m telling you . flying to China is much easier. Besides, if you take one from the zoo, he may turn Madagascar-style on you. Crazy.

How can you make it love you like its mother? Breastfeed. Breastfeeding is one of the greatest ways to form that mother-child bond. So while Oreo’s suckling, not only is he getting nutrients, but he’s also receiving love. What a heart-wrencher.

Dear Ask Anything,
The other day I was in Europe and noticed a lot of people with mullets – both men and women. I asked my barber about this phenomenon and he told me “fashion mullets” are on the rise. I want to stay up with the latest trends, but I’m just not sure if he’s trying to make a fool of me. Is this true or am I being punk’d?
Best Regards,
Mullet Man … maybe?

Dear M.M.M.,
Well, let me just say my co-columnist, Scott Hansen, thinks mullets are cool. And, although I will let his claim to being more romantic than me slide, I will not allow his level of coolness surpass mine. I’m cooler, and I say mullets aren’t cool.

Fashion mullets are one of those ways teens try looking “different,” by all looking the same. A fashion mullet is no different than an actual mullet. That fancy word, “fashion,” is just a cover-up, and you shouldn’t let it fool you.

I’m not really sure if your barber intentionally punk’d you, or if he just doesn’t know any better. It’s your fault for going to a barber and not a more highly trained hair stylist – such as the ones in a salon. You get what you pay for, right? And watch out, because it’s likely your barbershop will sing you a nice persuasive tune on mullets. Their singing may be like a really good drug, but don’t be taken in by their delightful voices.

Cutting your hair in mullet form does more damage than you may think. There’s nothing cute about a mullet. Try one on, and you’ll find that your chances for random hook-ups (even at Sheenan’s) will decline. Your grades will start to drop, as your professors will doubt your intelligence. And heaven forbid you graduate with a mullet, because the job force is not going to like that. Get over it and do something real with your hair.

Like Britney Spears: shave it off. Or, try the new Katie Holmes mom bob. I can only think of one celebrity who successfully pulled off the mullet – Joe Dirt. Then again, Joe Dirt is probably classified as an idiot, white trash, and therefore it depends on how high you have set your bar for success. Plus, at the end of the movie his girlfriend trades the mullet in for a sweet set of tight braids – a much more modern ‘do. Again, it seems mullets don’t allow for much bedroom loving, if you get my drift. (How’s that for romantic, Scott?)

Plus, honestly think about it. A mullet is one of those hair-dos where, in about five years, you’ll look back at photos and wonder, “What the [email protected]%! was I thinking?” Kind of like the morning after, when you’re looking back at photos your friends have posted on Facebook. Mullet = mistake.

This week’s featured columnist is: Lyssa
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