Lyssa Beyer

Dear Ask Anything,

Sincerely,
Creeped out

It’s too bad this guy wasn’t with me the other night as I watched an episode of “The O.C.,” in which Seth kissed a girl, only to find out that it didn’t mean anything because she kisses everyone. Had this creeper been with me during my 24-hour marathon of “The O.C.,” you may not have this problem. Luckily you got me, someone not close enough to their mom to tell you what my momma always said, but close enough to my dad to tell you what he always said.

My daddy always said once you get into a problem situation you have two things to do. The first is correct the situation. The second is making sure it doesn’t happen again.

In order to stop the situation from ever happening again, you need to get some garlic. There is a reason why vampires don’t like garlic and it has nothing to do with the way it can make your breath smell bad, rather it is certain that the inspiration for garlic came from its natural repellent capabilities for people wanting to suck face. Vampires try to suck blood . coincidence? I think not. Additionally, Britney Spears’ hunky co-star in the Oscar-snubbed “Crossroads” ate garlic before their on screen kiss and it almost made her gag. If it worked to keep her crazy, but away from this studly man, then I am sure it will also work in your case.

In order to correct your current situation, you need to find a man with huge biceps to accompany you everywhere you go. That way if the creeper ever tries to meet you, you will have tickets for him to see a gun show, and one that definitely packs a punch.

If he continues to call, you could always change your phone number, but that’s a lot of hassle for something you didn’t ask for. Either break his phone, or take the high road and simply take his phone, call his mom, and tell her what’s up. The phone breaking may prevent him temporarily, but if he is as good a creeper as you say he is, he already has your phone number memorized. But let’s be honest, talking to the dude’s mom will be a one-on-one experience with the only woman who probably understands him. And because he likely still lives with her, and she feels your pain, she will unleash her fury upon him. And let’s be honest, no matter how close a son is to his father, a mother’s wrath will always leave a son’s tail between his legs.

Dear Ask Anything,

Sincerely,
Make out Master

Although my co-Ask Anything columnist from last semester, Tim Langton, left the column after a heated word exchange between him and myself in our last couple columns, have no fear. Although we hired Lyssa Beyer to be my new co-columnist, I am still the romantic one. And that is why I am answering your question.

Let’s start off by not calling her a major babe. If you want to compliment how she looked, you should say she looked pretty, beautiful or anything else that doesn’t make you sound like Uncle Jesse from “Full House.” Unless you have a mullet and a ton of hair products, you haven’t earned the right to call her a babe, whether to her face or to me. Unless you don’t know her name, in which case I would come up with a better alias for her than “major babe,” but that’s beside the point.

The point is, you need to start watching “The O.C.” I know, real men don’t watch “The O.C.” But believe me, I watched it one time when I was flipping through the channels and saw a scene where Seth thought a girl he kissed was his girlfriend because of it. He was of course corrected that it meant nothing and that she kissed everyone. Maybe that’s what is going on with this particular girl?

Or maybe she’s just playing hard to get. As of today, you have 20 days until Valentine’s Day. If you know where she lives, you need to start leaving her small, non-intimidating gifts, one a day, until Valentine’s Day. Most importantly, you must not reveal that the gifts are from you. Sign everything “from your secret admirer.” This way, she won’t be intimidated by your small and cute gifts, but intrigued and curious.

Once Valentine’s Day comes around, get her something a little bigger, ask her to be your girlfriend and take her to the new Abigail Breslin and Ryan Reynolds comedy movie “Definitely, Maybe.” Besides a girl’s stomach, Ryan Reynolds movies are a sure fire way to get to a woman’s heart.

But the big thing here is space. Obviously you don’t watch enough of “The Tyra Banks Show” or read enough “Cosmopolitan” to know what the limits are. So as you begin your 20 days of Valentine’s with the lady, purchase yourself a current copy or even past issue of “Cosmopolitan,” take some notes while watching “The Tyra Banks Show,” and be sure to watch the Target or Best Buy ads in the Sunday newspaper for sales on “The O.C. Complete Series DVD Boxed Set.”

Believe me, you are not the reason for the tear drops on her guitar, so you need to do this if you want to be just like a tattoo.