Ask anything

Dear Ask Anything,

How does one go about making an application to add to Facebook?

– Need more for my wall

Dear Wall,

Somebody apparently wasn’t watching Schoolhouse Rock when they were a little kid. Tisk! Tisk! Had you been watching the amazingly informative show as a kid, you would know the answer. But since you clearly weren’t, I will have to recite how a Facebook application becomes just that.

A Facebook application does not start out being called a Facebook application. First, it is just a plain old idea, sitting in the back of someone’s head. That is until someone decides that the idea they have thought up warrants a call to their local congressman and they say “You’re right, there ought to be a Facebook application like that.”

So the congressman sits down and writes down the idea in Java as best he can and introduces the idea to congress. Once the idea gets to congress, it will wait, stuck in committee while a few key congressmen such as Al Gore and Bill Gates discuss and debate whether they should let the idea become an official Facebook application.

The fact that an idea gets as far as Congress is astounding in itself, because most ideas don’t get that far. If the idea just stays in committee, it eventually dies. But if it somehow gets out of the committee, making the idea extremely lucky, it will go on to the House of Representatives and they get to vote yes or no on whether or not the idea should become the newest Facebook application.

If they vote yes, the idea goes on to the Senate, and the process starts all over again. If the idea makes it through the process again with a resounding yes vote, then the idea is off to the White House where it waits in line with a lot of other ideas for the president, in this case my No. 1 MySpace friend Tom, to sign off on the idea in approval.

If he does so, then the idea becomes an official Facebook application. However, keep in mind that Tom, I mean the president, reserves the right to say no to the idea and can officially veto the idea which results in it being sent back to congress for a revote, but by that time it is so old that it is unlikely that the idea will become a Facebook application.

Dear Ask Anything,

How did alcoholic drinks get the nickname “cocktails?”

– On the rocks

Dear Rocks,

First let me make it perfectly clear that no sexual innuendos will be used in the answer to your questions because the answer actually derives from the early history of the United States. We all know that sexuality had nothing to do with the proliferation of our nation.

The term cocktail comes from the years following the Revolutionary War. The French, who let’s not forget helped us win the war, influenced society in those days by showing Americans the excitement that could be had by watching male chickens, also known as cocks, fight to the death.

Now if you know cocks as well as I do, you know that they generally have very mild tempers. Cocks don’t get mad easily, so to get two cocks to fight can sometimes be difficult. However, like any man, once you get some alcohol in them, the cocks are ready to fight.

The French that remained and the natives of this land turned into Michael Vicks of their time by giving the poor and helpless cocks alcohol to get their tempers raised so they would fight. However, like today, alcohol was a commodity to these people. Instead of giving the cocks shots of vodka or whiskey, the two favorite shots of the French and natives, they decided to gather cheap alcohol and mix it together. Once that was done, the mixture was given to the cocks.

In order for the French and natives to know if a cock was ready to fight, they simply had to look to the cock’s tail for the answer. If the cock was drunk enough to fight after one shot, it would raise up and a cock version of “Fight Club” would ensue. If the cock was not drunk enough, the cock’s tail would stay limp and more of this mixture would be given to him.

It was at this point the name cocktail caught on for any mixed drink. Although the price for these mixed drinks has increased and they’ve become more extravagant, rest assured, Rocks, that cock fights no longer take place in the world and can only be something that occurs in your mind.