Ask anything

Janie Boschma

Dear Ask Anything,

What happens to luggage that never gets claimed at the airport?

-Shirtless

Dear Shirtless,

If you take a look at any movie that uses an airport as a setting, there always is some sort of luggage around. Whether it’s on a carousel, a dolly or just extras walking around with it, luggage is always present. As most people know, the average budget for making a movie these days has skyrocketed. So if the film in question is taking place in airport and needs luggage, there is definitely a better alternative than going out and buying new stuff.

Yes, that’s right. Remember when you were snuggling tightly with your sweetie while watching “Snakes on a Plane,” and the all-too-kinky couple in the bathroom were doing their thing as snakes were running amuck through the luggage on board? That luggage was indeed the luggage that had been collecting at JFK International Airport since September 1997, when the last luggage donation to a film took place.

However, JFK is hardly the only airport to get into the act. In fact, General Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee actually donated the luggage that was not claimed from October of 1992 through January 2000 to the filming of “Final Destination.” It was used in one scene, and got the usual treatment that anything from Wisconsin gets in movies . it got blown up.

Dear Ask Anything,

How do Ouija boards work?

-Dying to know

Dear Dying to know,

Luckily for you, curiosity won’t kill you this time.

The answer is relatively simple, if you have a background with the University of Tokyo. See, my sister’s mother’s husband’s son once went there for a day and was given a tour, where he stumbled upon a factory much like the one that Charlie found in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” or “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” whichever you prefer. This factory turned out to be a Ouija board factory.

What isn’t noticeably included in the box – but believe me is there – is a Tinkerbell-looking thing. Because it’s in Tokyo and under contract by the Disney Corporation, the Tinkerbell thing must be placed in the box and sealed. Tinkerbell is covered by optical camouflage that delivers a similar experience to what Harry Potter experienced with his invisibility cloak.

Once the sealed box is opened by the purchaser, the Tinkerbell thing quickly dons the optical camouflage that resembles a hooded raincoat, making it invisible. Instead of seeing Tinkerbell wearing a hooded raincoat, the person opening the box sees right through the cloak, making the Tinkerbell thing appear to be invisible.

Once the game begins, the optical camouflage donned Tinkerbell moves the game pieces, the terminology of which I can’t think of at the moment, to wherever it wants to go. As long as the game is fun for the players involved, the Tinkerbell has fulfilled his or her end of the contract.

Once the game grows old, and is either sold at a garage sale or donated to a Goodwill store, the Tinkerbell is free of their contractual obligations and is allowed to return the optical camouflage to the factory located at the University of Tokyo, where it is recycled to make Al Gore happy.