The Spectator

Horoscopes


Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Aquarius
Trust your intuition. Should the time come to jump, jump. Should the time come to fight, however, you might want to curl up into the fetal position and pray for a quick death.

Pisces
I don’t trust that Leo. That guy has been eating raw meat for, like, six days. If you get a chance, go for his wallet. Chances are “steak madness” has already stolen his mind, and you can blame the loss of his funds on electric tiger snakes or some nonsense.

Aries
Keep your head up. Soon the semester will be over, and then you can forget that you ever heard the words “you actually need to be enrolled in classes to receive grades.”

Taurus
Now is your chance to show your professors what you’re all about. The cosmos predict that a back flip off of your desk into a flat-back landing onto several classmates will demonstrate that you’re a student to be feared and respected.

Gemini
Faith in the judicial system has always been one of your core values, but that won’t keep your eighth underage drinking offense from sinking you deep into the abyss of a shattered life.

Cancer
The assortment of recyclable cans and bottles collecting in the entryway to your house may prove valuable should society plummet into a “Mad Max”-esque hell world where aluminum and plastic are priceless commodities. But more than likely, your house will just continue to smell like moldy beer.

Leo
Proud Leo, you are the lion of the cosmos! Regardless of whatever metaphorical connotations that may have, your stomach still will not process raw beef. But by all means, keep going to Taco Bell at two in the morning.

Virgo
Your romantic life may be in trouble. Now might be a good time to put “Operation: late night cable” into motion.

Libra
When the hammer comes down on your huge Karmic debt, try not to mention my (your fearless navigator of fate) name. My Karmic debt is so crushing I can’t even throw a gum wrapper on the ground without getting hit by a bus.

Scorpio
Scorpio, your name sounds a lot like the word ‘scorpion.’ I hope that means that your future will have something to do with being found in some mountain climber’s boots.

Sagittarius
Don’t take any chances at work this week. You’ll need to keep your head low, but not so low that it sinks into your neck and makes you look like a pathetic little turtle man.

Capricorn
Try playing the lottery until you’re in a crippling economic hole. As the old proverb goes, “If you win the lottery, you’ll never have to work again and then you can watch ‘American Chopper’ and drink all day.”

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Leave a Comment

The Spectator intends for this area to be used to foster healthy, thought-provoking discussion. Comments are expected to adhere to our standards and to be respectful and constructive. As such, we do not permit the use of profanity, foul language, personal attacks or the use of language that might be interpreted as libelous. Comments are reviewed and must be approved by a moderator to ensure that they meet these standards. The Spectator does not allow anonymous comments and requires a valid email address. The email address will not be displayed but will be used to confirm your comments.

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




The official student newspaper of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire since 1923.
Horoscopes