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Trust your intuition. Should the time come to jump, jump. Should the time come to fight, however, you might want to curl up into the fetal position and pray for a quick death.

I don’t trust that Leo. That guy has been eating raw meat for, like, six days. If you get a chance, go for his wallet. Chances are “steak madness” has already stolen his mind, and you can blame the loss of his funds on electric tiger snakes or some nonsense.

Keep your head up. Soon the semester will be over, and then you can forget that you ever heard the words “you actually need to be enrolled in classes to receive grades.”

Now is your chance to show your professors what you’re all about. The cosmos predict that a back flip off of your desk into a flat-back landing onto several classmates will demonstrate that you’re a student to be feared and respected.

Faith in the judicial system has always been one of your core values, but that won’t keep your eighth underage drinking offense from sinking you deep into the abyss of a shattered life.

The assortment of recyclable cans and bottles collecting in the entryway to your house may prove valuable should society plummet into a “Mad Max”-esque hell world where aluminum and plastic are priceless commodities. But more than likely, your house will just continue to smell like moldy beer.

Proud Leo, you are the lion of the cosmos! Regardless of whatever metaphorical connotations that may have, your stomach still will not process raw beef. But by all means, keep going to Taco Bell at two in the morning.

Your romantic life may be in trouble. Now might be a good time to put “Operation: late night cable” into motion.

When the hammer comes down on your huge Karmic debt, try not to mention my (your fearless navigator of fate) name. My Karmic debt is so crushing I can’t even throw a gum wrapper on the ground without getting hit by a bus.

Scorpio, your name sounds a lot like the word ‘scorpion.’ I hope that means that your future will have something to do with being found in some mountain climber’s boots.

Don’t take any chances at work this week. You’ll need to keep your head low, but not so low that it sinks into your neck and makes you look like a pathetic little turtle man.

Try playing the lottery until you’re in a crippling economic hole. As the old proverb goes, “If you win the lottery, you’ll never have to work again and then you can watch ‘American Chopper’ and drink all day.”

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The official student newspaper of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire since 1923.