(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)
Since social distancing and quarantine have become the norm, almost all meetings for organizations, companies and schools have gone online. Out of all the video software available, Zoom has proven itself to be the most popular.
However, the company has seen recent controversy since video conferences have been hacked with pornography clips while calls are in progress.
The response to the video hacks has most commonly been to end the virtual meeting, but Zoom was quick to convert the problem into a potential feature on the app.
Eric Yuan, Zoom CEO, was happy to announce the app’s new feature last week.
“Bored in your company’s meeting that could easily have been an email exchange? Insert porn now to make sure it’s an email next time,” Yuan said.
Yuan explained that the feature is meant to save people from boring meetings and also to serve as a threat to those conducting meetings.
“Our hope is that people will only use our service if the meeting is absolutely unnecessary,” Yuan said. “If someone attending the meeting deems it to be unnecessary, they can click the ‘Insert Porn’ button and watch the meeting disband within 10 seconds.”
This feature has proven very useful to many people already. Ameilia Ramsey, a copy editor for the DePaulia at DePaul University, said she absolutely loves the concept.
“Our newspaper was having a Zoom call and I would have rather been swabbing someone’s nose for COVID-19 than be in that boring meeting,” Ramsey said. “Since I knew the meeting could have been done through an email exchange, I decided to try the feature out and I watched the entire group disappear in seconds!”
Ramsey was surprised by how quickly the call ended after the feature put hardcore pornography on display for the entire group.
“I’d definitely recommend the feature to a friend,” Ramsey said. “Zoom understands the struggles everyone is going through now.”
However, the feature has also made users consider transitioning to other platforms, as the feature seems to be easily abused.
Sapphire Peridot, a women’s, gender and sexuality studies professor, is very upset with the feature as she has not been able to hold a lecture since it was first added.
“My students seem to think it’s funny to call my classes ‘unnecessary’ and insert those vile videos into my online lectures,” Peridot said. “I’ve had enough of it and I am now in search of a new program to lecture with.”
Peridot reached out to Zoom to have the feature removed, but she only received this message from their customer support team:
“With great power comes great responsibility and we do not see your students abusing the power we have given them.”
Doyle can be reached at [email protected]