The Tator

Scientists condemn first-year Blugold’s offering of free pap smears in order to test for COVID-19

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Due to the high transmission rate of COVID-19 and symptoms not showing up for as many as 14 days, many Americans are paranoid about catching the virus. 

Tests are usually only conducted in a hospital or clinic on a subject that already has symptoms, but one Blugold made it a mission to create his own test. 

However, his methods have been deemed controversial.

Billy Weir, a first-year undecided student, claims his test is just as good as the ones offered in hospitals. Weir conducts his tests in his parent’s basement in Eau Claire. 

“I have done excessive research in my basement and found that conducting a pap smear can test for both cervical cancer and the new coronavirus,” Weir said. 

Weir admits that the test only works for female individuals, but says that every little bit counts. 

“Sadly I can only test the ladies out there, but it’s better than testing no one, so if you know a female who is worried about the virus, send her my way,” Weir said. 

Weir’s method of testing could be considered archaic, but he said his methods would be considered more professional if he had more access to resources.

“The procedure is conducted by me with a Q-Tip and without gloves,” Weir said. “Since it’s hard to come by latex gloves these days, but it’s a procedural risk I must take.”

Weir said any possible patients would have little to fear.

“I’ll take a pump of hand sanitizer right before the procedure so that 99.9% of germs are off of my hands when they are right next to the cervix, I’ve got it under control,” Weir said. 

Many scientists including most STEM professors from UW-Eau Claire condemn Weir’s research and warn against his methods citing it as “wrong and extremely inappropriate and manipulative.”

The UW-Eau Claire STEM Department sent out a campus-wide email warning students against Weir’s methods.

“It is very important in these times that we rely on scientific evidence and studies for what we believe and not pseudoscience conducted by a non-qualified undergrad,” the STEM department said.

Weir is not worried about their opinions and believes that his results will speak for themselves.

“Many great thinkers and geniuses have had their controversial ideas questioned, but give it time,” Weir said. “As the great Kanye West once said, ‘name one genius that ain’t crazy.’ ” 

Weir’s bursting confidence in his research and himself is not yet enough to interest any applicants, but Weir says that he is playing the waiting game. 

“People will come, just wait until the number of cases gets higher, then I’m sure I’ll have a line down the street for free testing,” Weir said. “Until then I’ll keep researching, currently my research is leaning toward mammograms also being a valid method of testing.”

Weir’s parents declined to comment due to “pure and complete embarrassment” and their current plans to kick him out of the house.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]