The Tator

Breaking news: UW-Eau Claire professor exposed as werewolf

More stories from Caleb Doyle, Freelance Writer

The Tator
November 11, 2019

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

After a series of strange events, the Tator staff has had multiple sources say Sheamus Lupin, a journalism professor at UW-Eau Claire, is in fact a werewolf.

Every student has had a complaint about the professor’s quirks one time or another, but this specific quirk could be deadly. 

Becky Wardle, a third-year journalism student, says she has theorized about Lupin’s condition for the whole semester. 

“Dr. Lupin’s lectures vary in intensity,” Wardle said. “At the beginning of the semester, he was normal, but upon the second week of classes, he was more wild and kept commenting on how hungry he was,” Wardle said. 

Wardle said his behavior fluctuated each month, and it wasn’t until the Sept. 13 full moon that she realized what was going on. 

“Lecture on that day was crazy,” Wardle said. “His hair was wild, his movements around the room were erratic and there was this strange glint in his eye. My friends in the front of the room said they heard growling.”

Wardle originally thought it was all an act since that day happened to be Friday the 13th. However, her friend’s visit to Lupin’s office hours changed her hypotheses.

“Dr. Lupin was starting to scare me with his behavior in class, but the content in class was scaring me even more, so I had to go to office hours to get help,” said Kristen Cope, a third-year English student.

Strange things started happening once Cope was in Lupin’s office. 

“He offered me water from his fridge since I was building up a nervous sweat,” Cope said. “Upon opening his refrigerator, I saw that it was mostly filled with raw meat.”

Cope commented that she was pretty sure it wasn’t human meat, but she could not be sure.

“Things got even scarier when I pulled out my pen to take notes and he started hissing and howling,” Cope said. “My pen was a gift from my grandmother and is ornate and made of silver. Werewolves hate silver, and that was the moment I knew my professor wasn’t completely human.”

The only cure for lycanthropy is wolfsbane, a flower very poisonous to humans. However, Wardle and her friends are dedicated to curing Lupin. 

“It will be very dangerous to attempt a cure on Dr. Lupin, but it’s very necessary, not only for him but our grades,” Cope said

Cope and Wardle said they are too afraid to go into office hours and get help fixing their failing grades, so giving wolfsbane to Lupin is their top priority. 

“Of course I’m scared of Dr. Lupin, but an ‘F’ on my transcript scares me more,” Wardle said. “We are going to cure Dr. Lupin, no matter what.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]