This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
In a not-at-all surprising turn of events, a UW-Eau Claire student was spotted wearing the same outfit on Water Street last night that she wore out last week.
Alexandria Muffet, a fifth-year public relations student, came out of her room after an hour of trying on clothes wearing the exact outfit she’s worn the past three times she and her friends have gone out.
“It’s a good outfit,” Muffet explained to her friends when they rolled their eyes at the decision. “People deserve to see it three, maybe even four times.”
Muffet’s friends did not seem impressed with the resurrection of her infamous cheetah print coat that smells like beer and faux leather pants with a faded vomit stain on the left knee.
Jenna Martin, a third-year journalism student and Muffet’s best friend, didn’t see the need for her friend — or anyone — to dress up to go to Water Street, which she described as the “butt of Eau Claire.”
“I wore an oversized plaid shirt and leggings to the bars last week,” Martin said. “This is Eau Claire, not Las Vegas. She needs to calm down.”
Muffet compared her outfit to an athlete or sports fan having a lucky jersey. Similar to Tiger Woods wearing red every Sunday or a high school athlete wearing the same pair of socks all season, Muffet said she believes her favorite going out outfit is good luck.
She said the first time she wore the outfit, she got free drinks throughout the night.
“Like five dudes hit on me — and none of them were annoying,” she explained. “Not one! They were all polite and respectful of me and my personal space. I fell in love on average that night once every 45 minutes, which is pretty typical, but this time it felt real.”
Muffet described her outfit-selecting process as “complicated, yet organized.” She elaborated on her three-step process.
“First, I grab the first decent shirt I can find that isn’t laying on my floor,” Muffet said. “Typically, second, I inevitably realize cannot wear that top because the bottoms it goes with are probably dirty, so I start digging around in the mountain of clothes on the ground. Once I find something reasonably cute, I put it on, decide I hate it and end up wearing the same thing as last week.”
Not all of Muffet’s friends are critics of her outfits, however.
“To be honest, I get it,” said Joseph Hoppner, a fourth-year organizational communication student and one of Muffet’s best friends. “Alexandria may only have one good outfit for going out, but at least she has one! I borrow stuff from my friends all the time. If I had a good outfit, I’d be wearing it every week, too.”
In response to her critics, Muffet said she didn’t really care. In fact, she had advice for people like her.
“Don’t let the haters get you down,” she said, while editing a photo from the previous week for her Instagram page. “Do whatever you want and wear whatever you please. Follow me on Instagram for more inspirational quotes like this.”
Wentland can be reached at [email protected]