‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

November 2, 2020

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Hello ladies and gentleman. It’s me, Maddie, coming to you from beneath a never-ending pile of homework and responsibilities. I’m drowning, and I fear I might not live long enough to feel warmth ever again.

Let me tell you people, it has been one terrible week. While I love my major and the work that comes with it, there will forever be one thing I hate about journalism: deadlines. Because, you see, the work done by a journalist relies heavily on our sources and if, or when, they are able to get back to us. You will never know true panic until you are forced to wait until the day before a news package is due to interview your main source.

But I digress. Despite what I might forget at times, this is not an outlet for me to pour all of my complaints onto the unsuspecting public. In other words, on with the horoscopes.


Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Happy birthday, once again, Pisces. With Neptune entering the easterly quadrant of the whatever and Mercury being invaded by an extraterrestrial race, all signs are pointing to a fantastic week for you. Because, you know, the positions of other celestial bodies thousands of light years away totally affect your day-to-day ongoings.

Enjoy these brief periods between snow storms, Pisces. Go sledding, take a walk and enjoy the limited sunshine. The stars have told me the final snowstorm of the season will be the one Chancellor James C. Schmidt cancels classes for. So take advantage of these decent days while we have them, because spring is never coming.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware, Aries. A student has released their pet ferret into the wild. He has multiplied and become an invasive species in Eau Claire. Your home is about to undergo a devastating infestation.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re about to discover a secret passageway in your home, Taurus. It’s dark and spooky, but do not be afraid. Something magical awaits you at the other end … just kidding. It leads to a room with nothing in it but a beat-up tuba and Blu the Blugold’s costume head.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are just an empty shell.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good news, Cancer. You’re about to score some awesome tickets to see your favorite band. The bad news: they’re going to break up right before the concert. Tickets are nonrefundable.


Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Does your romantic relationship feel like it has hit a wall, Leo? The stars are telling me you must win back your partner’s favor by bringing them brightly-colored objects and dancing around them seductively while screaming.


Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

You and your best friend are feeling particularly bonded this week, Virgo. Show them you care by super gluing your hands together while they sleep so you never have to be apart. Ever.


Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

The stars are warning me that something really embarrassing will happen to you this week. I can’t say what, for certain, but I can tell you it will involve snow, a stick of gum, a pair of dirty socks and some grapes.


Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You are about to have a life-changing epiphany, Scorpio. Nothing will ever be the same. Your life will completely turn around. Who needs college when you have mad kazoo skills and a pet pigeon?


Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

The stars believe in you, Sagittarius, even when you don’t believe in yourself. You will get an A on that big paper you have to write. But be weary; you succeed once, and suddenly your professors actually expect you to attend classes.


Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Fight that dreaded Bridge Face this week by avoiding the bridge altogether. It’s never too cold for some good old tubing.


Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’re about to have some annoying car troubles, Aquarius. But never fear: the cost to fix it may be higher than your rent, but at least it will be less than your tuition.


That’s if for now, everyone. Catch you on the flippity-flip (that’s a reference to “The Office,” in case any of you hate joy).

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected]