Picture this: It’s been a rough week. You’ve lost your wallet, and you desperately need it (and the Olive Garden gift card inside it) because A) you lost your debit card and B) you’re flat broke anyway. Your friend Meghan is on her way to fetch you and deliver you to breadstick paradise.

You begin searching the pockets of every single one of your many, many jackets. Finally, you decide to check the pocket of your winter coat, which you haven’t worn in six months. It’s a long shot, but the wallet is nowhere to be found.

You dig underneath three other jackets to unearth your winter coat from where it’s hanging, pressed tightly against the outside wall of your bedroom. As you pull the pocket toward you, you notice something strange.

It’s mold. There is mold covering the entire side of your coat where it was pressed against the wall. You scream a scream of pure agony, the sound of your soul dying within you.

You read that right. My house is crawling with mold. Among the belongings infected with the stuff are: a body pillow (that’s right, it got to the bed), my winter coat, a different coat, a sock left too close to the wall and my airways. Those mold spores crawled right up in there and are en route to my lungs, I’m sure of it.

Aside from the mold, I lost my debit card, my wallet and my ID. All separately. How? Unclear. Why? Because my life isn’t together.

There are several other terrible things I brought upon myself last week, but today I’m going to focus on the one thing I was (probably) not the cause of: mold.

Here are some tips and tricks for getting rid of mold in your place of residence.

Are you boiling too much water? Stop drinking so much tea — it doesn’t matter that fall is the best time for warm beverages of all kinds. Don’t cook any pasta either.

1. Consider opening a window to air the place out. Yes, it’s 40 degrees outside, but mold doesn’t care about your numb toes.
2. Consider turning on the heat. Will it raise your utilities bill? Absolutely, but mold doesn’t care about your student debt and limited income.
3. Stop showering. The steam causes mold.
4. Give thanks you don’t have bats. It could be so much worse.
5. Move your furniture. Bed pressed against the wall? Spend a few hours rearranging your room. It’ll remove fabric from the offending areas and it offers the additional bonus of a fresh new perspective on your damp hovel.
6. Bleach everything. Everything.

I hope this advice finds someone who truly needs it. In the coming week, I’m going to focus on regaining all the progress I lost while my life was falling apart for the umpteenth time. Cheers to the struggle that is life.