UW-Eau Claire printers go on spring break early

Campus was left in chaos when all the printers left for spring break on Sunday


This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

UW-Eau Claire campus was thrown into chaos this week when all the printers left for their spring break destinations a week early.

Students from across all majors were in a panic Sunday afternoon when trying to print work for Monday classes, only to discover all the printers were missing from every academic building and dorm.

“I had just finished my geology essay for my 8 a.m. class on Monday, but when I went to print, there was just an empty space surrounded by dust and unclaimed papers,” said Jake Procrast, a junior geology student. “The printer was gone.”

Many students assumed the missing printers were just undergoing maintenance, and would be back the next day. Unfortunately, several days later, there is still no sign of them.

Procrast, along with many other students, was unable to turn in midterm assignments due to the lack of printers on campus. Oddly, the campus-wide GPA has not been affected by the phenomenon, which students attribute to the lack of grade updates by professors.

Because of the missing campus printers, the few lucky students who brought printers from home are now the most sought-after people on campus, with their personal printers now being somewhat of an endangered species.

Betty Thanou, a senior social work student, said she first bought her own printer during her second year at Eau Claire.

“I noticed how unreliable the campus printers were during my first year,” Thanou said, “so I decided to get my own. I never expected to become so well-known because of it.” “At first it was just some of my close friends, but after word got around about the missing printers, hundreds of students have been seeking me out just to use my printer.”

Thanou said students provide her with printer paper in the amount they need, along with a few dollars for ink, and she gets the pages back to them as soon as possible.

“I’m like the new Printing Services,” Thanou said. “Except there’s more than one of me and the whole operation is still pretty underground. The other printer owners and I have formed an alliance to keep prices from getting competitive.”

According to LTS, the printers have been missing for four days now. The IT service is still looking for a reason behind the disappearance of the printers, as well as trying to figure out just how many printers are missing.

“There’s, like, hundreds of printers on campus,” said Joey Compman, a student worker for LTS. “I don’t know how we can track down every single one.”

Compman said that there had been rumors that the second-floor Hibbard printer was spotted on a beach in southern Texas, but the rumor had not been investigated further. He also wanted students to know LTS is taking any tips as to the printers’  locations.

“We will be following every lead we can when it comes to getting our campus printers back,” Compman said. “They’re a part of the UW-Eau Claire family, too.”