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Seth Abrahamson

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Take Two
May 10, 2018

Population zero: Every UW-Eau Claire student leaves next semester to study abroad

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This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The last remaining UW-Eau Claire student was accepted into the study abroad program for this spring, causing the university to be entirely empty next semester.

The Center of International Education (CIE) accepted Frank Ducky, an Eau Claire philosophy student, to study abroad in Romania next semester. This acceptance followed the rest of Eau Claire students planning to study abroad in the spring.

“All my friends were planning to leave for Europe next semester,” Ducky said. “So I’m leaving, too. They accepted me late, but I’m still glad to be going instead of being alone all spring.”

The study abroad program has been promoted all year long, and due to unforeseen circumstances, everyone applied for the same semester abroad. Students said they are excited to leave campus and travel abroad, but the university is unsure how they’re going to replace the existing population.

CIE interim lead Colleen Marchwick said she is shocked at the enormous number of applications the center received over the last week but were delighted to see so many students with the desire to explore the world.

“Over 9,000 students sent in applications in the past week,” Marchwick said. “It seemed to be a chain reaction. We aren’t sure who will be on campus next semester, but studying abroad is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we’re glad students are taking advantage.”

Ducky said his friends applied because their friends applied, and they applied because their friends applied, and they applied because their friends received a plethora of study abroad promotional emails.

Penelope Backwater, a junior biology student, was unsure of applying at first, but after hearing thousands of other students were leaving, she decided to go as well.

Not only were her friends convincing, but the CIE was, too. Backwater said the CIE sent her over 15 emails per day promoting immersion trips and opportunities to study abroad in countries around the world.

“I could barely keep up with what they were sending me,” Backwater said. “I was getting promo emails to travel to Zimbabwe, New Zealand, Monaco and many others I never would have thought about traveling to.”

Backwater was not the only student who received the emails. Marchwick admitted the CIE was a bit excessive in encouraging students to travel abroad next semester. She knew promoting study abroad as much as they did would increase the number of students applying to travel next semester, but they did not expect to have every student respond.

“All of us at the CIE had no idea every student on campus would be willing to study somewhere else next semester,” Marchwick said. “I hope it isn’t our job to find enough students to study here in the spring.”

With over 9,000 students departing in the spring, the university will have the challenge of getting enough students to come to Eau Claire to allow them to have an actual semester on campus.

This problem isn’t something the students on campus this semester need to worry about because they’ll be far away, studying abroad.

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