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Netflix ruins another UW-Eau Claire student’s life

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Madeline Fuerstenberg

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The Tator

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This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Last Thursday Anna Miller, a UW-Eau Claire student, was met with a scene of horror when she arrived at her apartment on Chippewa Street after a long day of classes.

Miller discovered her roommate, Elena Stillman, another UW-Eau Claire sophomore, in the midst of a Netflixcomatosadic episode. This started, Miller said, when Stillman started watching “Stranger Things.”

“She was just sitting there,” Miller said. “She had this dead look in her eyes as she just stared at the TV, and I just knew: She was Netflix’s latest victim.”

Netflixcomatosa is an increasingly common condition caused by the extreme binge-watching of TV and movies on streaming applications like Netflix or HBO.

Symptoms include vacant-looking eyes, extreme lack of motivation, a drop in grades, a decrease in social interaction and an overall disconnection with the real world. In serious cases, victims may even lose touch with reality altogether, becoming permanently trapped in a coma-like state.

Miller said Stillman had always had an unhealthy addiction to Netflix. She would often go on excessive binge-watching sessions of shows like “The Office” and “Shameless.”

These sessions left her in an incapacitated state for hours on end, but never had they left her so debilitated. Stillman’s latest Netflix obsession was the series “Stranger Things.”

“I never expected things to get so serious,” Miller said. “I knew that she was having a hard time focusing on her school work, and she had recently gotten fired from her job, but I thought that maybe she was just partying too much. Turns out, it was her lack of social life that really ruined her. I just can’t get that image out of my head: The bloodshot eyes, the unwashed hair, the crumbs that were still stuck to her face and the drool that was gathering in the corner of her mouth. It was all so horrifying.”

Local medical professional Dr. Robert Herman is the lead physician in Stillman’s case.

“We have noticed an increase in Netflixcomatosa cases over the past few weeks,” Herman said. “Miss Stillman is the 12th UW-Eau Claire student to be diagnosed this month.”

Herman advises all Eau Claire students to limit their screen time when it comes to streaming apps like Netflix.

“Focus on things like school or work every once in a while,” Herman said. “If you begin to feel yourself slipping away, close your computer, turn off the TV and remind yourself that demogorgons aren’t real, the actress who plays Hannah Baker is alive and well, the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin is not closing and ‘Orange is the New Black’ will still be there another day.”

Dean of Students Joseph Abhold has expressed concern for Stillman and other students affected by Netflixcomatosa.

“It’s devastating, both for the students and the university,” Abhold said. “We try so hard to bury our students in homework in order to prevent this very situation, but apparently, we’ve failed them all. They still somehow find ways to procrastinate and kill every one of those remaining brain cells.”

Luckily, Netflixcomatosa doesn’t do any long-term harm to students, Herman said.

“They usually recover within a day or two,” Herman said. “We’ve discovered that the most effective treatment for victims of Netflixcomatosa is, believe it or not, a read-aloud of college textbooks. It’s like hearing legitimate, enlightening information just turns their brains right back on. It’s fascinating.”

Doctors believe Stillman will be fully recovered and back in school by the end of the week.

“All she’ll need now is some support from her community and restraints that prevent her from feeding her horrible addiction,” Herman said.

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