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City Council desperate to maintain hipster population in Eau Claire

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Getting Weird
December 13, 2018
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The Tator

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Last week’s City Council meeting addressed recent efforts to maintain Eau Claire’s population of the artsy millennials known as hipsters. According to city officials, the hipster population is vital to the livelihood of Eau Claire’s economy.

“These kids are an integral part of our community,” Councilman Kenneth Yang said. “They really keep our businesses booming. Before the hipsters came, nobody bothered to spend five dollars on a cup of coffee. Now, we’ve got hordes of kids spending all their parents’ money on organic candles. Our economy is thriving!”

In an effort to maintain the population, the City Council announced a new budget especially geared toward the young hipsters Eau Claire revolves around.

The budget will be used to ensure every street has its own coffee shop, Yang said. The council also discussed plans to erect a Bon Iver museum as well as a life-sized monument of Justin Vernon himself.

“Eau Claire would be nothing without Bon Iver,” Yang said. “We owe so much to Mr. Vernon … The hipster community worships him and we want to cater to their needs above all else.”

Even though Eau Claire officials preach hipster-friendly rhetoric, many hipsters still feel oppressed by the city’s outdated laws.

“Eau Claire talks a lot of talk about catering to the hipster community,” local hipster Beau Daniel said. “But when I pull out my vape in Gordy’s, all of a sudden I’m breaking the law? This is outrageous.”

Daniel said he and a few of his comrades are planning to march down Barstow this month in protest of these “anti-hipster” laws, despite the council’s efforts to deter them.

“This kind of stuff is just bad for publicity,” Yang said. “We try to make these hipsters happy, but they always seem to get angry about something. We opened an organic shoe store just for them, but now they want to vape in public? I can’t keep up.”

Nevertheless, Yang said the council is determined to keep the hipster community content at all costs.

“We just can’t afford to lose them,” Yang said. “I guess we’ll all just have to get used to vape clouds from now on.”

While the City Council has fought endless battles for the hipster community, their mindset is not popular among the rest of the Eau Claire community.

According to John Swanson, 55-year-old Eau Claire native, the hipsters have single-handedly destroyed the city he calls home.

“Eau Claire used to be a place for normal folks and their families,” Swanson said. “Nowadays, I can’t walk down the street without passing some weird hippie kid with pink hair. What am I supposed to tell my kids?”

Swanson is a part of the newly-founded hipster hate group called Normies of Eau Claire. The group’s goal is to restore Eau Claire back to normality and reduce the hipster population, Swanson said.

Despite the backlash, Yang and the rest of the City Council intend to stand their ground in defense of hipsters. The livelihood of this city depends on them, Yang said, and the council intends to do whatever it takes to make them stay.

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